When we feel not good enough or under threat, we protect ourselves with a stance: blaming, placating, reasoning only, or changing the subject. The Satir model doesn't set out to remove these stances but to see the feelings and yearnings beneath them, and to learn congruence: taking care of yourself, the other person and the situation at once.[1,8]
How the Satir model sees it: the trouble is the coping, not the event
Have you ever been at a family dinner where your mother simply asks when you will find a stable job, and you flare up, put down your chopsticks and say "My business is none of yours"? The rest of the meal goes stiff, and on the way home you blame yourself: you know she was worried, so why do you turn back into a child the moment you walk in? Why does the same question keep drawing the same reaction?
1The worldview
Self-worth, stance, the other's response: the loop that replays that dinner
To see why that dinner keeps ending the way it does, start with someone who invited the whole family into the therapy room. The Satir model comes from Virginia Satir (1916–1988), an American social worker and pioneer of family therapy. In Chinese she has several spellings: 沙維雅 is the one commonly seen in Hong Kong, and 薩提爾, 薩提亞 and 沙提亞 appear too, all meaning the same person and the same approach. This page says Satir model throughout; in Hong Kong it is also called the 沙維雅 family therapy model. She was seeing whole families in the 1950s, and according to the biography published by her network, Avanta, in 1962 she directed the first formal family therapy training programme, at the Mental Research Institute in California.[4]
The approach starts from the belief that everyone has the inner resources needed to grow, that change is always possible, and that all behaviour is an effort at growth; people share basic needs to survive, to grow and learn, to make sense and order, and to be close to others. Satir is often quoted as saying, "The problem is not the problem; coping is the problem." What troubles us is often not the event but the way we habitually cope with it.
02
Bringing that dinner into the room: what does a course look like?
Now you know how it sees a person and how it works. The next questions: what is it actually like, does it work, and what is it not for?
The evidence is still accumulating, but you can know first what actually sitting down looks like. The Satir model has no fixed number of sessions. In research it ranges from seven family sessions and ten group sessions to a 12-week course, and an intensive workshop; in practice it can be individual counselling, couple, family or group work. Practitioners put particular weight on the therapist's use of self: connecting with you through their own genuineness and life energy.[8,10,12,13,14]
1Make contact and safety firstThe therapist reaches out first so you feel seen and respected, before touching what hurts.
2Choose a concrete situation
03
Satir model videos
Episodes are in Cantonese.
04
Further reading
To read further, start with these.
05
Before the next dinner: a self-guided path
Not ready to see a therapist yet? Start with these three steps at your own pace. Deeper work such as family reconstruction and the Parts Party is best kept for people with training.
Courses
06
Therapists who practise Satir model
TreeholeHK's counsellors and clinical psychologists use Satir model to fit what you need, alongside other approaches.
07
The same dinner, seen another way: neighbouring approaches
The Satir model sits between family therapy and the humanistic tradition, and echoes these approaches; start here to go deeper into any of them.
Satir was one of family therapy's pioneers: it sees a problem as a loop in how a family interacts, not one person's fault.[4]
Also looks at the interaction between two people. The Satir model uses coping stances to describe each person's role in a conflict.[2]
Also watches how people communicate in conflict. The Gottman Method grew from long-term observation of couples, covered on its own page; the Satir model comes mainly from clinical practice and experiential work.
Other therapy approaches
FAQ
Are 薩提爾, 沙維雅 and 薩提亞 the same person?
Yes. She is Virginia Satir (1916–1988), and her name is rendered several ways in Chinese: 沙維雅 is common in Hong Kong, and 薩提爾, 薩提亞 and 沙提亞 also appear. The 沙維雅 family therapy model, the 薩提爾 model and the Satir model are the same approach.[4]
Is the iceberg the same as Freud's iceberg of the unconscious?
No. The iceberg is a common metaphor in many places. Satir's iceberg is about a person's inner experience: behaviour, feelings, feelings about feelings, perceptions, expectations, yearnings and the self, explored layer by layer so people can see themselves; it isn't Freud's theory of the unconscious.[3,8]
Want someone alongside you?
You can do the exercises on your own. When you're stuck, a trained therapist can take you further.
At its centre are self-worth and congruence. Feeling not good enough or under threat, people switch on survival-style coping stances learned in childhood; when self-worth is steadier, people are more able to be congruent, speaking openly while taking account of themselves, the other person and the context. This congruence is not quite what Rogers means by the word in person-centred therapy; the difference is set out under neighbouring approaches below.[1,8,18]
Satir founded the Avanta Network in 1977, now called the Virginia Satir Global Network, which still trains and connects practitioners of her approach. After her death Banmen, Gerber, Gomori and others organised her teaching into a more systematic Satir model (published in 1991), which later developed into a briefer form, Satir transformational systemic therapy. The model reached mainland China around 2003, and there is now a good deal of training and practice in Chinese-speaking communities.[2,3,4,7,8]
So the dinner at the start is not a single loss of control but a loop: self-worth is threatened, so we protect ourselves with a stance; the stance draws the other person into a stance of their own, and their response often seems to confirm that we are not good enough. Most of the model's methods step in at one point of this loop.
Self-worth"Am I good enough?" The first thing shaken by a threat
StanceBlame, placate, over-reason, deflect: protect yourself first
Their responseThe other person takes a stance too, and the old script replays
The iceberg: eight layers beneath "none of your business"
The loop explains why the dinner replays; the iceberg shows what lies inside each step of it. The iceberg is the Satir model's best-known metaphor: above the waterline is behaviour that others can see; below it is inner experience that we often haven't noticed ourselves. The therapist goes down with you, layer by layer, because a change in one layer can shift the others. Here is the dinner from the start taken all the way down: your mother asks when you will find a stable job.[3,8]
The upper five layers (behaviour, feelings, feelings about feelings, perceptions, expectations) belong to doing; the deepest two (yearnings, self) belong to being. The model aims to help people act more from being than from the need to prove themselves by doing. Teachers arrange and name the layers a little differently; this follows the common eight.
1Behaviour
What others can see and hear: what you said and did.
You put down your chopsticks: "My business is none of yours."
2Coping stance
How you protect yourself under pressure: blaming, placating, super-reasonable, irrelevant, or congruent. A stance is a learned survival strategy, not who you are.
Blaming: strike first and push the problem back on her.
3Feelings
What you feel in body and heart in the moment: anger, sadness, fear…
Anger, and a little embarrassment.
4Feelings about feelings
How we judge having that feeling: shame, guilt, "I shouldn't feel this". It often presses the original feeling down.
"I lose my temper the moment I'm home. How childish."
5Perceptions
How we see ourselves, others and the situation, including beliefs and readings left by the past.
"She thinks I've turned out badly."
6Expectations
What we demand of ourselves and others, and what we expect from others.
"She should believe in me; I should prove myself."
7Yearnings
The deep needs everyone shares: to be loved, accepted, confirmed, to have meaning. Satir saw them as universal, not something to judge.
To be accepted by her, treated as capable.
8The self
The deepest layer: life energy and "I am". We are valuable by nature, though we often forget it.
"I am someone worth loving without having to prove it."
2The method
After seeing the iceberg, what then? Six phases, from contact to consolidating change
Seeing the iceberg is only half of it; the other half is how to get from there to change. Satir left no fixed steps. Loeschen organised her work into six phases to make it easier to follow: first build contact and self-worth, then raise awareness and acceptance, and only then change and consolidate. She cautions that Satir actually worked organically, moving back and forth between phases as needed, so this is a map rather than a procedure. Back to the dinner: to say something true to your mother, you first need to feel seen and to accept yourself, which is why making changes comes fifth, not first.[6]
1Making contactReach out so each person feels special and seenSelf-worth
2ValidatingReflect thoughts and feelings, appreciate efforts, show that change is possible, and raise self-worth furtherSelf-worth
3Facilitating awarenessSee feelings, beliefs and ways of coping: your own, and others'Stance
4Promoting acceptanceAccept that you and others are all humanSelf-worth
5Making changesOn the base of self-worth and acceptance, change actual behaviour and ways of respondingStanceTheir response
6Reinforcing changesCoach the practice of new skills until they are part of lifeTheir response
Back to the dinner: stay at the stance, or go down the iceberg
1The family dinner from the start: your mother asks when you will find a stable job.
Staying at behaviour and stanceDown the iceberg: a congruent response
Above water: behaviour and stance
Staying at behaviour and stanceChopsticks down: "My business is none of yours!" (blaming)
Down the iceberg: a congruent responsePause, take a breath, notice the heat in you
Feelings
Staying at behaviour and stanceOnly feeling offended
Down the iceberg: a congruent responseUnder the anger, embarrassment and a fear of being looked down on
Yearning
Staying at behaviour and stanceNot noticed
Down the iceberg: a congruent responseTo be accepted by her and believed in
3The skills
Eight ways of working, each rewriting that dinner at a different point of the loop
A dinner can be rewritten at different points, so the model's methods fall into three groups by where they step into the loop: some raise self-worth, some help people recognise and change stances, and some let the interaction of a whole family system be seen through experience. Family reconstruction and the Parts Party are intense group experiences that need a trained facilitator.
Self-worth: being seen, looking inward
Feel safe and valued first, and there is strength to look beneath the surface.
Validation and being seen
Satir's work begins with contact and validation: reflecting a person's thoughts and feelings, appreciating their efforts and showing that change is possible, to raise self-worth. Her "five freedoms" give a direction: to say what you think rather than what you should say; to see and hear what is there rather than what you should; to feel what you feel; to ask for what you want rather than wait for permission; and to take risks on your own behalf rather than choose only to be safe.[5,6]
Exploring the iceberg
The therapist picks a situation where you feel stuck and, starting from behaviour, goes down with you: the feeling at the time, the feeling about that feeling, how you saw it, what you expected, what you yearned for. You confirm each layer, and the therapist only offers guesses about your perceptions rather than concluding for you. When the yearning is seen, the original reaction often takes on a new meaning and new choices appear.[3,8]
+Hear it in a session
Client
At last week's family dinner Mum asked when I'd find a stable job. I put down my chopsticks and said, "My business is none of yours." The whole meal was tense after that.
Therapist
As you put your chopsticks down and said it, what did you feel first?
Client
Furious.
Therapist
Anger. Anything besides the anger?
Client
…A bit of embarrassment.
Therapist
Embarrassment. And how do you feel about having lost your temper?
Client
That I'm childish, that I turn into a kid the moment I'm home.
Therapist
"Childish." When she asked about work, what did you hear?
Stance: recognising it, learning congruence
Recognise your stance under pressure, then practise a response that holds yourself, the other and the situation.
Recognising coping stances
Satir described four survival stances under stress, often shown with body postures. The blamer points a finger, is loud and pushes responsibility onto the other, overlooking them; the placater kneels with a hand held out, agrees, apologises and says "whatever you want", overlooking themselves; the super-reasonable one stands stiff and calm, offering only facts and logic, overlooking self and other and leaving only the situation; the irrelevant one is off balance, changing the subject or joking, overlooking all three. The fifth is congruence: self, other and context all counted. Everyone uses every stance; they are survival strategies learned early, not a statement of who you are. Back to the dinner: "My business is none of yours" was blaming; had you instead muttered "fine, fine" and looked down, it would have been placating.[1,2,8]
Practising a congruent response
Once the stance is recognised, the next step is to try a congruent way of putting it: say your view and feeling, notice the other person's position, bring in the situation, say what you want, and check that you heard right. The model stresses giving, receiving and checking information openly, clearly and directly, and expressing needs appropriately. Congruence doesn't guarantee the other person will be pleased, and it isn't saying everything; it is saying what is true at a fitting time and place.[5,8]
Their response and the family system: seeing it again through experience
Use sculpting, reconstruction, roles and the change map to turn invisible interaction into something visible.
Family sculpting
In sculpting, people (or small objects) are arranged into a still picture so that positions, distances and postures make feelings and relationships visible: who stands close, who turns away, who stands tall. In her workshops Satir often asked people to stand or sit in a certain way to show feelings, creating a safe place to experience something new. A practitioner in mainland China also arranges candles, glasses and toys into sculptures to help clients see their situation and create choices.[4,8,15]
Family reconstruction
Family reconstruction is a group process: guided by a facilitator, one participant maps their family across about three generations while other members play family members, re-enacting scenes that shaped them, to see where the family's rules and their own stances came from (for example, why do I strike first whenever my mother asks?) and to make new decisions. It often touches very deep experience, needs a trained facilitator, and isn't suited to a crisis or to trauma that hasn't been properly worked with.[4,16]
The Parts Party
The Parts Party is an experiential exercise from Satir: participants imagine or write down the "parts" within themselves (a critic, a pleaser, a wise self, for example) and group members play them, so each part can say what it has been trying to do for you; the parts are then introduced to each other, accepted and integrated into one whole person. It resembles "inner parts" work in other approaches, but there is currently no evidence that it works better than they do.
The dialogues are illustrative composites, not real clients; skills that stir strong emotion or touch on trauma should be done with a trained therapist.
Start from one stuck experience, such as the dinner at the start: what happened and how you coped.
3Explore down the icebergFeelings, feelings about feelings, perceptions, expectations and yearnings, layer by layer, along with the rules learned in your family.
4Try new choices in experiencePerhaps through sculpting, roles or imagery, or by practising a congruent reply, so you can feel what a new way is like.
5Carry it back and consolidateTake the new response into daily life, practise, and review at the next session; confusion and relapse are to be expected.
Not only dinners: what can the Satir model help with?
Research and practice cover a wide range: adults' self-esteem and mood, relatives' codependency, adolescent depression, and difficulties in parent–child and couple relationships, family of origin and life transitions. For each, though, the evidence is still early.[8,10,13,14]
Low self-worth and constant self-blame
A habit of pleasing others, or of blaming, going cold, or changing the subject when conflict arises
Communication difficulties with family, partner and colleagues
The influence of the family of origin
Disorientation and loss in break-ups, job loss and other transitions
Everyone is different. If you are thinking of hurting yourself or ending your life, please don't face it alone: call The Samaritans' 24-hour line on 2896 0000, or 999 in an emergency. If someone at home makes you afraid or controls you, look after your safety first and don't treat this kind of exploration as the only step.
Is there evidence for this road? What the research says
Research on the Satir model has only grown in recent years: there are a few randomised trials, but all are small and several come from teams that promote the model. Below, from firmest to least firm. To be candid, none reaches "solid evidence".
For self-esteem and mental health: one fair-sized trial
More evidence neededSufficient evidenceSolid evidence
A Hong Kong randomised trial put 96 adults either into an intensive workshop based on the Satir growth model or onto a waiting list. After the workshop, the workshop group improved more on self-transformation, positive and negative affect, self-esteem and mental-health problems than the waiting-list group. Limits: the comparison was a waiting list, not another therapy; the report covers change straight after the workshop; and the self-transformation scale was built by the same research team (the first author also took part in the pilot trial in the next item).[10,11]
For families and relatives: mixed
More evidence neededSufficient evidenceSolid evidence
In Iran, a trial put 53 relatives of people who use drugs either into seven sessions of Satir-informed family therapy or into usual services; at the end and 90 days later the therapy group scored lower on codependency (living excessively for others and losing yourself). But in a 45-person pilot with Chinese men in a compulsory drug treatment centre, ten group sessions clearly improved only self-esteem; craving, treatment motivation and family functioning did not differ from the control group.[12,13]
For teenage depression and anxiety: an early mainland trial
More evidence neededSufficient evidenceSolid evidence
At a hospital in Jiangxi, 84 adolescents with major depression were randomly assigned, with the intervention group receiving 12 weeks of in-person and remote Satir family therapy. Anxiety and depression scores fell in both groups, but more in the Satir group, and non-suicidal self-injury and mobile-phone use also fell. Limits: one hospital only, results mostly from questionnaires, and these are early findings.[14]
Against other therapies, and over the long term
More evidence neededSufficient evidenceSolid evidence
We found no trial comparing the Satir model head to head with established therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy. A 2026 systematic review of 21 studies draws out changes in emotional regulation, self-worth, communication and family functioning, but it is a thematic synthesis rather than pooled numbers, its author is affiliated with a Satir institute, and it says the research needs more rigorous methods, clearer definitions of core concepts, and long-term and cross-cultural outcomes.[15]
Sculpting, family reconstruction and the Parts Party: barely tested alone
More evidence neededSufficient evidenceSolid evidence
These are the model's most distinctive experiential methods. The literature describes sculpting, imagery and movement as mechanisms of change, but as far as we could find, no controlled study tests family reconstruction or the Parts Party on its own; the evidence is mostly practitioners' experience and case records, such as one mainland practitioner's account of 16 clients, with no comparison group.[8,15]
Overall, studies are few and small, mostly compared with a waiting list or usual services, several run by teams that promote the model, with results leaning on self-rated questionnaires and short or no follow-up. So the Satir model may be helpful, but it hasn't been shown to beat other therapies; and how much the language of iceberg, stances and congruence contributes, compared with the experiential methods, hasn't been separated out.[10,12,13,14,15]
Can it untie that dinner? To be honest, a few limits
The Satir model is much loved by practitioners, but for now it is more a warm method than a therapy with established evidence. Beyond the thin evidence, a few things are worth knowing:[6,8,9,15,16]
1No single manual
Satir left no standard manual. After her death her students organised it into The Satir Model (1991) and it has developed since; even the phases of her work are a construct Loeschen made to aid understanding. This makes research hard to replicate, and means the Satir work of different therapists can look quite different.
2The intensity of experiential methods
Family reconstruction and the Parts Party re-enact family scenes in a group and can stir deep emotion. They need a trained facilitator and a clear safety frame, and shouldn't be entered lightly in a crisis or when abuse or trauma hasn't been addressed. Before taking part, ask the facilitator about their training and how the session runs.
3Cultural fit is still being debated
The model comes from an American culture that stresses the individual, equality and freedom. Hong Kong scholars Cheung and Chan caution that family life in Hong Kong is largely shaped by hierarchical, collective values, that transplanting the American practice would overlook this, and argue for staying close to Chinese culture while protecting the individual's quest for equality and freedom. Mainland practitioners, on the other hand, find the model compatible with traditional Chinese values, but their verdict on its effectiveness rests on their own case records, with no comparison.
So, back to that dinner: the Satir model can be a map that shows what lies under the anger and how you and your family move each other, but it doesn't promise your mother will change, and it is not the only road; a good therapist will be clear about where the evidence stands and adjust to where you are.
Take this with you
Next time that anger rises, you needn't strike back, and you needn't force it down; first see what it is protecting. This guarantees nothing about the other person and you won't manage it every time; even one pause gives you one more choice.
Emotion-focused therapy (EFT)Also treats emotion as an important clue and moves from feeling to the need beneath. EFT is guided by markers and matching tasks; Satir's iceberg places feeling among eight layers of experience, with yearnings at the bottom.[3]
Person-centred therapyPart of the same humanistic tradition, both trusting people's capacity to grow. Congruence means different things in each: for Rogers it is the therapist's own feelings and words matching; for Satir it is communicating while taking account of self, other and context.[8,18]
Psychodynamic therapyBoth hold that the early family shaped how we relate today. Satir revisits it through experiential methods such as family reconstruction; psychodynamic therapy tends to read it from patterns that replay in the therapy relationship.[16]
Existential therapySatir's two deepest layers, yearnings and the self (life energy), have an existential and spiritual colour; existential therapy confronts the givens of life directly: death, freedom, isolation and meaning.[8]
Does congruence mean saying everything on your mind?
No. Congruence takes account of self, other and context together, so it includes when to speak, how, and how much. The model speaks of communicating openly, clearly and directly and expressing needs appropriately, not of blurting everything out regardless of consequences.[5,8]
Does the whole family have to come?
Not necessarily. Research and practice include individual counselling, adult workshops, groups and family therapy with relatives. The family is the thing being understood; it doesn't have to attend every time.[8,10,12]
Is the Satir model related to NLP?
There is a historical link, but they aren't the same thing. In the 1970s the founders of NLP (neuro-linguistic programming), Bandler and Grinder, studied Satir's work and co-wrote Changing with Families (1976) with her. The Satir model belongs to the family-therapy tradition; NLP is a separate method, and their evidence should be judged separately.[17]
How do I find a therapist who uses the Satir model in Hong Kong?
Look for specific training in the Satir model and membership of a professional body. Further down are TreeholeHK's therapists who use the Satir model; read their backgrounds before you book.
References
1.Satir, V. (1988). The new peoplemaking. Science and Behavior Books.
2.Satir, V., Banmen, J., Gerber, J., & Gomori, M. (1991). The Satir model: Family therapy and beyond. Science and Behavior Books.
3.Banmen, J. (2002). The Satir model: Yesterday and today. Contemporary Family Therapy, 24(1), 7–22. doi.org/10.1023/A:1014365304082
4.Suarez, M. M. (1999). A biography of Virginia Satir. Avanta, The Virginia Satir Network. satirglobal.org
5.Schwab, J. (1999). A bare-bones overview. In M. M. Suarez, A biography of Virginia Satir (appendix). Avanta, The Virginia Satir Network. (Adapted from Schwab, J. (1990). A resource handbook for Satir concepts. Science and Behavior Books.) satirglobal.org
6.Loeschen, S. (1999). Overview of Satir's process for change. In M. M. Suarez, A biography of Virginia Satir (appendix). Avanta, The Virginia Satir Network. (Adapted from Loeschen, S. (1994). The magic of Satir. Halcyon.) satirglobal.org
7.Virginia Satir Global Network. (n.d.). Virginia Satir Global Network [Organisation website]. satirglobal.org
8.Li, Y., & Lou, W. Q. V. (2013). Applying the Satir model of counseling in mainland China: Illustrated with 20 case sessions. Satir Journal of Counselling and Family Therapy, 1, 18–39. journals.uvic.ca
9.Cheung, G., & Chan, C. (2002). The Satir model and cultural sensitivity: A Hong Kong reflection. Contemporary Family Therapy, 24(1), 199–215. doi.org/10.1023/A:1014338025464
10.Lau, W. K.-W., Leung, P. P.-Y., & Chung, C. L.-P. (2019). Effects of the Satir model on mental health: A randomized controlled trial. Research on Social Work Practice, 29(7), 775–785. doi.org/10.1177/1049731518819829
11.Leung, P. P.-Y., Lau, W. K.-W., & Chung, C. L.-P. (2019). Development and validation of Perceived Self-Transformation Scale for the Satir model. Contemporary Family Therapy, 41(1), 56–67. doi.org/10.1007/s10591-018-9477-7
12.Ma, Y., Lau, W. K. W., Ju, Y., Xu, T., & Ma, H. (2025). Satir model on self-esteem, family functioning, and treatment outcomes among Chinese men who use drugs: A pilot randomized controlled trial. Journal of Substance Use, 31(2), 247–254. doi.org/10.1080/14659891.2025.2512514
13.Ahmad-Abadi, F. K., Maarefvand, M., Aghaei, H., Hosseinzadeh, S., Abbasi, M., & Khubchandani, J. (2017). Effectiveness of Satir-informed family therapy on the codependency of drug dependents' family members in Iran: A randomized controlled trial. Journal of Evidence-Informed Social Work, 14(4), 301–310. doi.org/10.1080/23761407.2017.1331147
14.Lu, H., Huang, Z., Zhang, L., Huang, X., & Li, X. (2023). Influence of in-person and remote Satir family therapy on emotions and behavior of adolescents with major depressive disorder. Heliyon, 9(5), e15890. doi.org/10.1016/j.heliyon.2023.e15890
15.Haitoglou, D. (2026). The Satir model as a systemic transformational approach: A synthesis of empirical and conceptual studies. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 52(3), e70147. doi.org/10.1111/jmft.70147
16.Nerin, W. F. (1986). Family reconstruction: Long day's journey into light. W. W. Norton.
17.Bandler, R., Grinder, J., & Satir, V. (1976). Changing with families: A book about further education for being human. Science and Behavior Books.
18.Rogers, C. R. (1957). The necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic personality change. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 21(2), 95–103. doi.org/10.1037/h0045357
Down the iceberg: a congruent response"I know you worry about me. Work has been unsteady lately and I feel the pressure too. I'd like you to trust that I'll handle it, and I'd like to hear what worries you."
Afterwards
Staying at behaviour and stanceShe argues back or withdraws, and the meal turns stiff
Down the iceberg: a congruent responseShe may not change at once, but it is easier for her to hear your difficulty and what you want
That's what you heard; I don't know if it's what she meant. Would you like to look at it together?
Client
Yes.
Therapist
How do you hope your mum sees you?
Client
I hope she believes I can do it.
Therapist
To be believed in. A little further down: what would it mean to you to be believed in by her?
Client
…To be accepted by her. To be treated as someone who's okay.
Therapist
To be accepted. Saying that yearning now, how does it feel?
Client
A bit sore, but calmer than before.
Therapist
Could "none of your business" have been a way of protecting that yearning?
Client
Maybe. But I'm not sure it'll be any different next time I see her.
Therapist
You don't have to be sure. Next time that anger rises, would you be willing to pause and see whether the yearning is under it?
Client
OK, I'll try.
Notice: This picks up the dinner from the start. The therapist goes from behaviour down, one question per layer, inviting the client to confirm each. On the reading of the mother's thoughts the therapist first asks whether the client wants to look at it together, and doesn't conclude for her. After the client names the wish to be accepted she feels a little sore but calmer, yet unsure next time will differ; the therapist makes no promise and simply invites her to try pausing.
A colleague asked me to help with his report just before I left. I said "no problem", then worked until ten and got angrier the more I thought about it.
Therapist
At the moment you said "no problem", what was your body doing?
Client
My chest was tight, and I smiled and agreed.
Therapist
That's a bit like what Satir called placating: setting your needs aside to keep the relationship. It isn't a bad thing and may have protected you for years. Would you like to try another way of responding?
Client
Yes, but I'm afraid he'll think I'm uncooperative.
Therapist
Let's put all three in. Self first: what was your real state then?
Client
I already had two reports due, and I was tired.
Therapist
And his side?
Client
He's rushed too; it's due to his boss tomorrow.
Therapist
And the situation?
Client
Everyone's swamped before Friday.
Therapist
Try putting all three in one sentence. For example: "I can see you're rushed, and I have two reports tonight so I may not finish. I can look at the first part; could you ask someone else for the rest?"
Client
…Said like that it doesn't sound so scary. But I don't know whether he'd be upset.
Therapist
Right, we can't control his reaction, and congruence doesn't guarantee he'll be pleased; it just means you no longer carry what went unsaid. Next time you needn't say the whole sentence; part of it is fine.
Notice: The same stances in a new scene: the dinner used blaming, here it is placating. The therapist first calls placating something that has protected her for years, without criticism, then asks about self, other and situation in turn, and finally invites her to put all three into one sentence. The client still worries about the colleague's reaction; the therapist is frank that congruence guarantees no outcome, and says she can start by saying only part of it.
Satir's change process describes how change tends to unfold: from a familiar status quo, a foreign element breaks it (a break-up, losing a job, a new awareness), leading into chaos, until a transforming idea appears, followed by practice and integration and then a new status quo. The key point is that chaos is an expected stretch of the process, not a sign of failure, and shouldn't be skipped with a magic fix. The names and number of stages vary a little between teaching materials, and the movement isn't a straight line; people often swing back.[2,6]
Personal Growth·
Psychology·
Psychology·
Personal Growth·
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