Undoing aloneness: affirmation and company
An AEDP therapist's stance is active, engaged and affirming. Rather than staying detached, they voice appreciation and care, share at fitting moments how they are moved, and affirm what a defence once did rather than hurry to take it apart. The engagement is not to please but to let you really feel you are not alone, since the safer the relationship, the more able you are to touch feelings that frighten you.[4,7]
Hear it in a session
- Client
- Therapist
You say it with a smile. That humour has surely helped you through a lot, I can see that. But I also noticed that when you said "not on the list", your voice dropped a little. May I slow down and look at that moment? If you want to stop, tell me any time.
- Client
- Therapist
Thank you. Where in your body do you notice something first?
- Client
- Therapist
A bit heavy in your chest. You don't have to hold it alone; I'm here. Inside the heaviness, is there a word, or a picture?
- Client
- Therapist
Overlooked. …Having said it, what is it like now?
- Client
- Therapist
Wanting to cry and embarrassed, both can be here. What is the embarrassed part worried about?
- Client
- Therapist
Thank you for telling me. What I hear is someone who tries hard and doesn't want to be a bother. That's not making a fuss at all.
- Client
- Therapist
A little looser. As it loosens, what is your body doing?
Notice: This is state 1 work. The person from the opening, alone and smiling "it doesn't matter", here has someone stay for the first time. The therapist doesn't expose the humour; they affirm it first, then notice a change in the voice, ask consent before slowing down and say she can stop at any time. The feeling is approached through the body, and when the shame (fear of making a fuss) is voiced, the therapist receives it directly rather than interpreting it. The client only loosens a little; nothing suddenly "clicks".

