Some people say yes to everything in their relationships. A friend rings at midnight to pour out their troubles, and even though they're exhausted to the bone, they can't bring themselves to hang up; a colleague offloads work onto them, and their mouth says "sure" while inside they're cursing themselves. Others are the exact opposite — they come across as headstrong and fiercely independent, yet the people around them always sense a layer of something between them. Ask what's wrong and they'll say "nothing," and the conversation stops right there.
The two types look utterly different, but they're really doing the same thing: handling closeness and distance in extreme ways.
This article isn't here to teach you "the five steps to setting a boundary." You've probably read plenty of those already. What I want to do is help you see clearly — is the boundary style you have right now actually protecting you, or boxing you in?
"I just don't want to hurt anyone" — people whose boundaries are too loose
People with overly loose boundaries usually don't think they have a problem. They feel they're simply "more considerate," "more attuned to other people's feelings." But look closely and a pattern emerges: in their relationships, they're always the one who compromises first.
Family-therapy pioneer Salvador Minuchin proposed as far back as 1974 that the boundaries between family members sit on a spectrum — from "enmeshment" to "disengagement" (Minuchin, 1974). Enmeshment means your emotions, responsibilities and needs are all tangled up with the other person's, with no clear line between what's yours and what's theirs. A father unloading his frustration over work onto his daughter rather than talking to his wife; a mother treating her child's exam results as her own success or failure — these are the everyday signs of blurred boundaries.
Why are some people especially prone to falling into this state? Attachment theory offers one explanation. Research by Mikulincer and Shaver (2007) points out that people higher in attachment anxiety tend to use "hyperactivating strategies" — they're especially sensitive to signals of separation and abandonment, so they keep moving closer, seeking reassurance, and dreading any move that might create distance. Simpson and Rholes (2017) take it further: people with an anxious attachment style "hold a negative view of themselves, and approach their partner with both longing and a fear of being hurt."
In other words, boundaries that are too loose aren't a sign that you're "too kind" — it's that in your experience, rejecting someone = possibly being abandoned. It's not that you don't know how to say no; it's that you don't dare to.
"I'm just more independent" — people whose boundaries are too rigid
People with overly rigid boundaries rarely turn up in the comments under "how to set a boundary" articles, because they think their boundaries are perfectly fine — clear, firm, never taken advantage of. But ask the people around them and the answer might be: "He/she never seems to need anyone."
Photo by Alexander Van Steenberge on Unsplash
In her classic book, Anne Katherine discusses just how varied boundaries can be — some people's boundaries are like a brick wall that nothing can get through, including kindness and intimacy; others' boundaries are like a plastic bag that can't hold anything in (Katherine, 1993). A wall looks like strength, but it's really fear wearing a suit of armour.
From the standpoint of attachment theory, this corresponds to "avoidant attachment." Mikulincer and Shaver (2007) call it using "deactivating strategies" — avoidant people suppress their own need for closeness, replacing reliance with self-sufficiency. Simpson and Rholes (2017) describe it precisely: "Avoidant people work to maintain independence, control and self-reliance in relationships, because they believe that seeking psychological closeness from a partner is either impossible or not worth it."
It's not that they don't need people — it's that they learned very early on: needing people is dangerous.
A study of 630 adults found that the higher people scored on avoidance, the more inclined they were to suppress emotions, and the less they used interpersonal emotion-regulation strategies — such as boosting positive feelings through interaction with others, or watching how other people handle emotions (Messina, Calvo & Grecucci, 2023). In other words, they're not only building walls in their relationships; even their own emotional world is under lock and key.
You might not be just one type
Many people reading this will think: "I seem to be a bit of both." That's normal.
Minuchin (1974) stressed back then that a boundary is a continuous spectrum, not a black-and-white category. You might have boundaries as rigid as a fortress at work, yet none at all in your intimate relationships; or you might be very easy-going with friends, but throw up high walls the moment you're with family.
This actually has to do with different relationships triggering different attachment memories. The same person can be anxious in one relationship and avoidant in another. Your boundary style isn't your personality; it's the way of protecting yourself that you learned in a particular relationship.
A healthy boundary isn't "the perfect middle"
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If you assume the answer is "find the middle ground," that's too simple.
Katherine (1993) stressed that a healthy boundary should be flexible rather than rigid — you can choose to open it or close it depending on the situation, instead of being driven along by fear. You can say "no" when you need to, and also let people in when it's safe.
The interpersonal-effectiveness training within dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) offers a practical framework (Linehan, 2015). Its FAST skill — Fair (be fair to yourself and the other person), Apologies (don't over-apologise), Stick to values (hold to your own values), Truthful (be honest with yourself) — isn't there to teach you how to build walls or tear them down. It's there to help you ask yourself, in every interaction: am I looking after my own needs right now, or accommodating my fear?
For people whose boundaries are too loose, the starting point of practice is this: notice the moment you say "sure," and whether there's a thread of unwillingness in your body. That unwillingness is your boundary speaking to you.
For people whose boundaries are too rigid, the starting point is this: next time someone reaches out to care about you, pause for three seconds before you say "nothing." See what surfaces in those three seconds.
In closing
The trickiest thing about boundaries is this — you think you're protecting yourself, but sometimes you protect yourself so well that even you can't get back in. And sometimes you think you're loving someone, when really you're just giving in order to buy a guarantee that they "won't leave."
Wherever you're standing on the spectrum right now, the real question was never "are my boundaries firm enough." It's this — this boundary, did I choose it, or did fear choose it for me?
Learning to hold a boundary — without feeling your way alone
If you've reached the end of this article and found that you keep replaying the same predicament in certain relationships, perhaps it's time to have someone help you see clearly the logic behind these habits.
TreeholeHK's "Setting Personal Boundaries" interpersonal-communication programme isn't about making you tougher, nor about making you more accommodating — it's about helping you find the flexibility that belongs to you. In a safe environment, you practise the ways of responding that you don't dare try in your everyday relationships.
Find out more about the programme →
Frequently asked questions
What's the difference between boundaries that are too rigid and too loose?
People with overly rigid boundaries tend to reject all intimate contact, keeping their distance even when the other person means well; people with overly loose boundaries find it hard to refuse others' demands and easily take on too much of other people's emotions. Family therapist Minuchin (1974) called these two extremes "disengagement" and "enmeshment," both of which, in their extreme forms, may reflect problems in a relationship.
Why are some people's boundaries especially loose?
Research in attachment theory points out that people who are especially sensitive to abandonment (that is, those higher in attachment anxiety) tend to maintain relationships through over-closeness and constant reassurance, and so feel intense anxiety when setting boundaries (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). This isn't a character flaw, but a protective strategy left over from early relationship experiences.
Does having rigid boundaries mean avoidant attachment?
Not necessarily, but the two often appear together. Research by Simpson and Rholes (2017) shows that people with avoidant attachment tend to maintain independence and control in relationships, because they believe that seeking closeness from others is impossible or not worth it. If you find yourself throwing up high walls across many relationships, it's worth paying attention to whether there's an avoidant-attachment tendency.
Can a boundary style be changed?
Yes. A boundary style isn't a fixed personality trait, but a way of responding learned in a particular relationship. The interpersonal-effectiveness training within dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) offers a practical set of boundary-setting skills, helping people balance their own needs and the other person's in their interactions (Linehan, 2015). The starting point for change is awareness — noticing the situations in which you automatically switch into a "wall-building" or "people-pleasing" response.
How do I know whether my boundaries are healthy?
Anne Katherine (1993) proposed that the key to a healthy boundary lies not in being loose or rigid, but in being flexible — you can adjust how open you are depending on the situation and the person, rather than being driven by fear. If you always feel put-upon or distant in a particular relationship, that may be a signal that the boundary needs adjusting.
Key takeaways
Boundaries that are too loose and too rigid look like opposites, but behind both there's often the same driving force — fear. The anxious type fears abandonment and so doesn't dare to refuse; the avoidant type fears being hurt and so won't let anyone near. A healthy boundary isn't about finding the middle ground, but about being able to choose, autonomously, when to open and when to close — and that flexibility can be practised.
Further reading
Now that you've found your own boundary style, want to know how to adjust it step by step? This complete guide covers everything from psychological research to practical skills: The psychology of boundaries — the complete method for setting boundaries
Boundary styles have a particularly pronounced effect in intimate relationships — anxious and avoidant people set boundaries in completely different ways: Loving until you lose yourself: why do partners actually need boundaries?
If you're someone whose boundaries are too loose, you may also be trapped by the myth that "setting boundaries is selfish": "Setting boundaries is selfish"? How long has this line had you stuck?
References
Katherine, A. (1993). Boundaries: Where you end and I begin — How to recognize and set healthy boundaries. Parkside Publishing.
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Messina, I., Calvo, V., & Grecucci, A. (2023). Attachment orientations and emotion regulation: New insights from the study of interpersonal emotion regulation strategies. Research in Psychotherapy: Psychopathology, Process and Outcome, 26(3), 703. https://doi.org/10.4081/ripppo.2023.703
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.
Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and family therapy. Harvard University Press.
Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2017). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 19–24. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006
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