You know you need to say no. You know you shouldn't say yes every single time. You know you're tired, you're fed up, and there's a voice inside saying "enough".
But every time the words reach your lips, another voice surfaces: "You're being so selfish."
So you swallow it back. So you smile. So you put your own needs last again.
If you're reading this article, you probably already know how important personal boundaries are. You don't need an article to tell you the definition of a boundary (if you do, see our complete guide to setting personal boundaries). What you need is for someone to tell you: that guilt is not your fault.
Where does that guilt actually come from?
In Chinese culture, "self-sacrifice" is almost a synonym for "virtue". The highest form of filial piety is to give up your own goals for your parents. A good friend is one who comes the moment they're called. A good partner is one who is forever considerate, forever accommodating.
This isn't just a feeling. A cross-cultural study covering eight countries and 1,358 people found that people who identify with collectivist values tend to feel guilt more intensely when facing their own faults or those of people around them — an association that holds from the individual to the family to the community level, an association that holds from the individual to the community level (De Groot et al., 2021). The researchers argue that in collectivist cultures, guilt serves to maintain social harmony — which is not in itself a bad thing, but when it turns into "you're not allowed to have needs of your own", it becomes a kind of shackle.
In Chinese families, this pressure has a more concrete name: filial piety. A Taiwanese study covering over a thousand adolescents, gathering data at two separate time points, found that when children identified with "authoritarian filial piety" — doing whatever their parents say — they tended to adopt self-sacrificing strategies when handling parent–child conflict — an association present across different conflict scenarios (Wu & Yeh, 2021).
But the same study found another path. Adolescents who identified with "reciprocal filial piety" — born of love and respect rather than mere obedience — were more inclined to use "considerate" strategies to handle conflict. They were just as caring towards their parents, but they didn't completely give themselves up. Earlier related research also found that this considerate strategy was linked to better parent–child relationships and less conflict (Yeh & Tsao, 2014).
Caring for a relationship doesn't have to mean sacrificing yourself.
A relationship without boundaries is actually more fragile
Photo by Amin Zabardast on Unsplash
"If I say no, they'll be angry." "Someone who truly loves me shouldn't need me to set boundaries."
These ideas treat a boundary as a wall. But a boundary is more like a door — you open it when you decide to, and let someone in. It's not separation; it's choice.
A relationship that goes long without boundaries is often more dangerous than you'd imagine. A study that systematically reviewed 11 academic definitions of codependency distilled four core features: an excessive focus on others, self-sacrifice, attempts to control the other person, and suppression of one's own emotions (Dear et al., 2004).
Notice the last two — "self-sacrifice" and "suppressing emotions". Many people assume these are signs of a good relationship: I give you everything, and I never let you see my discontent. But research tells us these are not signs of love; they are features commonly described in the codependency literature — though that does not amount to a formal "codependency" diagnosis. If you'd like to understand more deeply how boundaries affect intimate relationships, we have another article devoted to that topic.
If the other person leaves because you set a reasonable boundary, the problem isn't your boundary — it's that the relationship was built all along on your willingness to endure.
"You're too sensitive" — is it your problem?
When you finally work up the courage to voice your discomfort, someone says: "You're being too sensitive." And then you start to doubt yourself.
But your discomfort is an important signal. It's telling you that something is eroding your energy.
A Dutch study covering 877 people found that blurred boundaries between work and life are closely linked to emotional exhaustion (Pluut & Wonders, 2020). What's more, the negative effect of blurred boundaries on well-being occurs almost entirely through this pathway of emotional exhaustion — that is, the reason boundary violations leave you feeling unhappy is, at its core, the mechanism of being worn down to exhaustion. The study also has a cruel finding: the people who most need a healthy lifestyle are the very ones who find it hardest to maintain. When your boundaries are violated over the long term, even your capacity to look after yourself gets ground away.
It's not that you're too sensitive. It's that your boundaries have been telling you all along: enough.
Allowing yourself to set boundaries is also a practice
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Even when you know intellectually that there's nothing wrong with setting a boundary, your body may still resist. Every time you finish saying "no", the guilt surges up like a wave.
The concept of "self-compassion" proposed by psychologist Kristin Neff is especially useful here. Self-compassion isn't self-indulgence or feeling good about yourself; it has three parts: being kind to yourself rather than harshly self-critical; recognising that difficulty and failure are experiences shared by everyone, not just you; and observing your own emotions in a mindful way rather than becoming overwhelmed by them (Neff, 2003).
This concept has solid research support. An analysis integrating data from 65 studies and over 16,000 people found that people with higher self-compassion also have markedly higher psychological well-being — and the association is remarkably stable (Zessin et al., 2015). Another meta-analysis found that people with higher self-compassion also have lower levels of anxiety, depression and stress (MacBeth & Gumley, 2012).
How do you use it in practice? When you've set a boundary and the guilt surges up, try saying this to yourself: "I'm very uncomfortable right now, but this is a normal reaction. A lot of people feel this way when they set boundaries. I can let this feeling exist without overturning my decision."
This isn't about getting rid of the guilt. It's about letting you, even within the guilt, still choose yourself.
In closing
The hardest part isn't learning to say no.
The hardest part is, after you've said "no", sitting quietly in that discomfort — not making the phone call that says "never mind, I can manage".
That guilt won't disappear — at least not right away. It's rooted in your culture, your family, every "don't be so selfish" you've heard since childhood. But guilt is the echo of old rules, not a verdict on you. Some old rules you no longer need.
Don't know how to set personal boundaries? You can learn
If you've read this far, you already know what you need. But the road from "knowing" to "doing" is longer than you'd think — especially when no one around you ever taught you how to say no well.
TreeholeHK's "Setting Personal Boundaries" interpersonal communication course takes you through practice in real scenarios: how to hold your own line without hurting the other person.
Frequently Asked Questions
Will setting boundaries damage a relationship?
No. Research on codependency points out that long-term self-suppression and excessive sacrifice are in fact warning signs of a relationship going downhill (Dear et al., 2004). Clear boundaries let both people know each other's needs and limits, and actually help build a more stable relationship.
Why do Chinese people find it especially hard to set boundaries?
Cross-cultural research finds that people who identify with collectivist values feel markedly stronger guilt when facing conflict (De Groot et al., 2021). Add to that a culture of filial piety that stresses "do not defy your elders", and setting boundaries is easily read as being unfilial. But Taiwanese research shows that adolescents who identify with "reciprocal filial piety" — born of love rather than obedience — are more inclined to handle conflict in a considerate way, rather than always sacrificing themselves (Wu & Yeh, 2021).
How do you tell "selfish" apart from "setting boundaries"?
Being selfish is disregarding others' needs entirely; setting boundaries is not neglecting yourself while still caring for others. If you're always the last person to be looked after, what you need isn't more sacrifice — it's a boundary.
I feel guilty after setting a boundary — what should I do?
This is a normal reaction. Guilt often comes from childhood and cultural conditioning; it doesn't mean you've done something wrong. Psychologist Kristin Neff suggests replacing self-criticism with self-compassion — acknowledging that the guilt is there, but not letting it overturn your decision (Neff, 2003). Meta-analysis also shows a clear negative association between self-compassion and anxiety and stress (MacBeth & Gumley, 2012).
Key takeaways
Setting boundaries isn't selfish — it's allowing yourself to be treated as an equal. That guilt is not a verdict; it's the echo of old rules. You don't have to get rid of the guilt before you can set boundaries; you only need to, within the guilt, still choose yourself.
Further reading
Once you've taken apart the myths, the next step is learning how to set boundaries in practice. This guide has concrete methods and research support: The psychology of boundaries — from theory to practice
If you feel "I know I should set boundaries, but I just can't get the words out", the problem may not be knowledge but fear: You're not soft-hearted, you're afraid to refuse — the psychology of fearing the word "no"
References
Dear, G. E., Roberts, C. M., & Lange, L. (2004). Defining codependency: A thematic analysis of published definitions. In S. Shohov (Ed.), Advances in Psychology Research (Vol. 34, pp. 189–205). Nova Science Publishers.
De Groot, M., Schaafsma, J., Castelain, T., Malinowska, K., Mann, L., Ohtsubo, Y., Wulandari, M. T. A., Bataineh, R. F., Fry, D. P., Goudbeek, M., & Suryani, A. (2021). Group-based shame, guilt, and regret across cultures. European Journal of Social Psychology, 51(7), 1198–1212. https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.2808
MacBeth, A., & Gumley, A. (2012). Exploring compassion: A meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology. Clinical Psychology Review, 32(6), 545–552. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2012.06.003
Neff, K. D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2(3), 223–250. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309027
Pluut, H., & Wonders, J. (2020). Not able to lead a healthy life when you need it the most: Dual role of lifestyle behaviors in the association of blurred work-life boundaries with well-being. Frontiers in Psychology, 11, 607294. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.607294
Wu, C.-W., & Yeh, K.-H. (2021). Self-sacrifice is not the only way to practice filial piety for Chinese adolescents in conflict with their parents. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 661335. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.661335
Yeh, K.-H., & Tsao, W.-C. (2014). Parent–child conflict strategies and their relations with adolescent adjustment in a collectivistic culture. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 45(7), 1058–1077.
Zessin, U., Dickhäuser, O., & Garbade, S. (2015). The relationship between self-compassion and well-being: A meta-analysis. Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being, 7(3), 340–364. https://doi.org/10.1111/aphw.12051
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