Confidence Isn't Thinking You're the Best

Why bother becoming more confident? The upside of self-confidence

Sometimes we feel utterly useless, completely outshone by everyone around us. That's how I felt as a child: how is it that the people around me get such good marks, excel at both music and sport, while I'm a plain "zero" like the average Joe? The feeling is entirely normal — after all, there are a great many people in the world who are more capable than we are. But measuring ourselves against others, little by little, is how we lose our sense of self-worth.

The truth, though, is that no one is perfect, and no one is a "zero".

When you grow more confident, you recognise your own worth — and while you appreciate your strengths, you also become more forgiving of your shortcomings. Isn't that exactly how confident people are? They believe in themselves, yet they don't overestimate themselves. This is the biggest difference between confidence and conceit: confident people hold a very level-headed view of themselves, whereas conceited people tend to see only their own strengths. In a sense, becoming confident means facing yourself honestly while giving yourself a little room to be human.

On another note, people with high self-confidence are also kinder to others. They are more willing to share life's joys and sorrows with friends, and they treat the people around them with genuine respect. Unlike conceited people, the confident don't belittle others to lift themselves up; instead, they treat others as sincere equals. They understand that everyone is as imperfect as they are — so why be harsh on anyone else?

Three ways to build self-confidence

1. Encourage yourself often

If you lack confidence, it's worth trying a little more positive self-talk. The method is wonderfully simple: just look at yourself in the mirror and say, three times, "I'm great!" or "I can bounce back!" This seemingly trivial act can, on the one hand, boost your sense of self-worth, and on the other, halt the build-up of negative emotions[1] — a real help in lifting your confidence. And beyond the psychological benefits, talking yourself up can improve cardiovascular health and ease the pain of long-term illness.[2]

2. Train a growth mindset

On the subject of a growth mindset, there's an English saying well worth sharing:

"Failure makes two types of people: the victim or the victor; the choice is yours to make."

Roughly, it means that failure produces two kinds of people: the first is the loser who never gets back up, and the second is the winner who manages to stage a comeback — and the deciding vote is usually in our own hands. Everyone meets setbacks in life, but the key lies in how we view failure. People with a growth mindset see life's challenges, big and small, as chances to "grow": they learn from them and keep getting better. They believe effort matters more than talent, they don't rest on their laurels after a success, and still less do they doubt their abilities after a failure. This "just do it" attitude quietly cements their faith in themselves. The following methods can all help you cultivate a growth mindset:

1. Be brave enough to take on challenges and step out of your comfort zone
2. Reflect on yourself often to deepen your self-awareness
3. Set yourself SMART goals to build a sense of achievement

3. Go easy on yourself

From childhood onwards, our elders teach us to be good to others and to understand others' hardships with empathy — but how many of us know how to be good to ourselves? Beyond empathy, perhaps what we need more is to learn self-compassion (self-compassion). Self-compassion is showing yourself "care", "patience" and "acceptance"; it reminds us that in difficult times we need to support ourselves all the more. Perhaps you've lost confidence over your own shortcomings, or you find it hard to be kind to yourself because of painful experiences. This is when self-compassion reminds us to listen to our own needs, rather than ignore or criticise ourselves; to give ourselves a little patience and trust that all of this is simply part of things turning for the better; to accept an imperfect self and understand that pain is something everyone shares. If we can truly manage this, we can slowly begin to build trust in ourselves.

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References

[1] Todd, Oliver, and Harvey (2011) 

[2] https://www.healthline.com/health/positive-self-talk#benefits-of-self–talk