At the start of a romance, both people feel their hearts in full bloom. They throw themselves into making the other happy, the time together is sweet with just a touch of giddiness, and even after parting for home they keep daydreaming about each other, grinning to themselves. Once the relationship has carried on for a while, though, they find the passion gone, the time together turned dull — even doubting whether the love is already a thing of the past. They miss the most romantic, most thrilling, most heady days of before. As it turns out, that was Passion in the triangular theory of love — only one of its three parts. As the relationship grows longer and the passion begins to fade, the two enter a new stage built on Intimacy and Commitment. (For more on the triangular theory of love, please read the works of other authors in the TreeholeHK collection.)
When passion fades, the partner who chooses to stay starts to complain: "I don't feel he loves me." "I've already loved her as much as I can — what more does she want?" "If he loved me, he would…" "He loves me, but I just can't feel it." Gary Chapman, a marriage counsellor and pastor, met many couples troubled in just this way, and so he put forward the theory of the 5 Love Languages.
Gary Chapman: The 5 Love Languages
Gary Chapman first proposed that love has five different languages in 1992. Because each person's primary, most habitual language is different, we have to learn the other person's love language in order to express our love effectively[1]. Chapman holds that love has three meanings: love is an emotion (passion), an attitude (commitment), and an emotional need (intimacy). Chapman likens the emotional need for love to a love tank: we need others to express their love in our love language for the tank to be filled with love. The five languages for receiving love are Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch.
Quality Time
People whose primary love language is Quality Time need a world of just the two of them with their partner. They long for the other's undivided attention, with no distraction from other people or things, and to feel togetherness, mutual understanding, being in sync and companionship from their partner. They enjoy doing activities they love together with their partner, sharing the pleasure of the activity, with the aim of gaining time together, feeling, and creating memories. They may also choose to talk deeply with their partner, sharing their life, thoughts and emotions, hoping their partner listens attentively. They dislike a partner who multitasks while they are together — watching a film while scrolling on the phone, say — and they don't like the other person interrupting their sharing or giving unsolicited advice. If your partner is this type, you can try planning and setting aside time in advance, and be honest about how much attention you are able and willing to give them.
Words of Affirmation
People whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation like their partner to praise and appreciate them often. They want their partner to use words to lift them up, to encourage them to pursue their ideals, to support their choices, and to affirm their abilities and worth. They may also like their partner to praise them in front of others. They want these words to be heartfelt, and full of empathy and understanding. They dislike a partner being cold or even saying hurtful, aggressive things; criticism and blame, or being on the receiving end of passive-aggressiveness, wound them deeply. If your partner is this type, you can try gathering the words of affirmation others use and practising them, or even writing your partner a love note or a note of praise.
Receiving Gifts
People whose primary love language is Receiving Gifts see a gift as a symbol of love and remembrance and a vessel for feeling. For them, the price of the gift doesn't matter — it can be bought, found, or made by hand; what matters most is the thought. They may also long for you to stay by their side when they are going through a hard time; even if you say nothing and do nothing, your physical presence can give them comfort and strength. They dislike a partner forgetting special days and forgetting to mark the occasion. If your partner is this type, you can ask the people around them about their likes, choose a price you are willing to pay, and give them gifts on festivals, anniversaries and ordinary days alike.
Acts of Service
People whose primary love language is Acts of Service want their partner to do certain things for them — the things they themselves would hope to do for the other — such as helping with housework and earning money to support the home. They want the other person to express care and consideration for them through action, making their life a little easier. It matters that the partner genuinely wants to serve them, rather than being forced to do something by demands and criticism, or playing the part of a parent or a doormat. Gender stereotypes can become something this type dislikes — for instance, a woman might complain that a man only cares about work and won't help with the housework. If your partner is this type, you can ask directly what they would like you to help with, learn to do it step by step, and you may also need to shed the values your parents instilled in you.
Physical Touch
People whose primary love language is Physical Touch tend to draw emotional satisfaction from physical contact with their partner. This physical contact includes both sexual and non-sexual touch — hugs, kisses, massages, even simply holding hands and patting the other's shoulder or back can carry the message of love. Even though they enjoy physical touch, that doesn't mean they enjoy being touched at will. They have their own preferred ways, places and times for touch. Mutual consent is important, and intrusive or hostile body language is even harder for them to bear. If your partner is this type, you can start with brief touches (a pat on the shoulder, say) and find the kind of touch they enjoy.
The Primary Love Language
Chapman holds that everyone has one primary love language, while also using the other languages to varying degrees. As the cases in Chapman's books show, the language a person is used to expressing and the language they receive may also differ — for example, a woman might learn from her mother to express love to family through Acts of Service, yet not expect her own partner to serve her often. The same person may have different emotional needs and a different primary love language for different people and at different stages of a relationship (before and after marrying and having children, say).
If you are interested in finding out your own love language through an online quiz, you can go to: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
The Recognition and Influence of the 5 Love Languages
The 5 Love Languages are widely embraced by the public, and they are a tool widely used across the counselling profession to help married couples and partners improve relationship satisfaction. To date, the research and data supporting Chapman's 5 Love Languages remain insufficient; some studies have been unable to make out the same five languages, casting doubt on the construct validity of the theory. Even so, some scholars acknowledge the tool's potential: research comparing the 5 Love Languages with other theories in the academic field found that the 5 Love Languages are quite closely linked to the theory of relational maintenance, and have an extending effect[2]. In other words, Chapman's 5 Love Languages, along with the psychological measures designed separately by Chapman and other researchers, can be said to be imperfect, acceptable, and in need of improvement.
Another aim of research into the 5 Love Languages is to verify whether couples who express love in each other's language really are happier and more joyful. Although there is research showing that couples who share the same primary love language are least likely to run into emotional trouble[3], this may be put down to the two having the same emotional goals, or to the two having already adapted to and merged each other's love languages. Chapman stresses that finding a partner who shares your language is not the goal; rather, you should learn your partner's language, achieving self-expansion. When partners express and feel love in different ways, self-regulation can more readily influence relationship satisfaction.[4] Self-regulation refers to observing and controlling one's own behaviour to reach a desired outcome and goal; if a couple can respond to the relationship and to each other's differences and needs through self-regulation, the relationship's satisfaction will be higher.
The Factors That Shape Love Languages
Chapman also holds that even people who speak the same love language may have a different dialect, a different preference. Love has many ways of being expressed, and the one we are most familiar with is perhaps our parents' way of expressing it. The way our parents loved each other and the way they loved their children become the model we learn from, knowingly or not, as we grow up. Although cooking has traditionally been an Act of Service performed by women for the family, a father who loves to cook for the family will also raise sons who love to cook for family and partner. If a mother is in the habit of hugging her daughter, the daughter will become used to hugging the one she loves; conversely, if a mother never hugs her daughter, the daughter too will find it hard to get used to hugging the one she loves. We carry the habits of our family of origin into our romance with a partner, and naturally all sorts of difficulties arise.
From his own observations, Chapman holds that men tend to choose Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation, while women tend to choose Quality Time and Receiving Gifts. These tendencies, however, may well be shaped by gender and culture. For instance, in some cultures people see serving others as a symbol of status and ability, while being served is a symbol of weakness and incompetence, and so Acts of Service seem hard to use to express love.[5] In addition, Chapman observed that in any culture people give gifts to express care, but in a contemporary society that has not shaken off material abundance and tradition, perhaps gifts have become a kind of convention and reciprocity, taking more thought to use to express love.
There is research comparing the 5 Love Languages with the Big Five personality traits, which found a tendency:[5] those high in Agreeableness tend to meet others' emotional needs, while those high in Openness to experience are able to accept different ways of expressing love, so these people are better able to use all sorts of love languages to express and receive love. People who are extraverted (Extraversion) usually have better social and communication skills and a higher openness to, and pursuit of, passion and pleasure, so they tend toward love expressed through Physical Touch and words; conversely, those higher in Neuroticism (emotional instability) have lower openness to, and pursuit of, passion and pleasure, may even resist others' expressions of love, and their partners may find it harder to adjust.
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Extending the Love Languages
Although the examples of the 5 Love Languages centre on married couples and partners, Chapman holds that this tool also applies to any relationship — between family and friends, for example. Chapman also holds that people of different ages and identities learn and use love languages in different ways, and so he went on to write books dedicated to guiding teenagers, parents, men, single people and others in using the love languages. Research also shows the 5 Love Languages tool applies equally to gay people.[6]
Mastering Chapman's 5 Love Languages does not necessarily mean you will gain fulfilling relationships. That is because expressing and receiving love are also influenced by other factors, such as the self-regulation mentioned earlier. Nor are the love languages necessarily only the five Chapman names; research has found another possible language — Check-Ins (Check-Ins)[7]. People who use this language want their partner to check in on them from time to time, gently asking how they are and what's going on lately, reminding them to take care of themselves. This may also be a new language brought about by advances in communication technology.
This article has introduced the theory of the 5 Love Languages put forward by Chapman, and briefly outlined the criticisms and support for this theory and tool. Whether it is a partner, a close friend or family, the object of our love is always that person, not a theory or a type. When you are facing emotional difficulties and doubting the other person's love and your own, beyond turning to a counsellor and counselling tools for help, you should also communicate honestly and patiently with the other person — let them know you are willing to love them, and that you need their love too.
References
- Chapman, G. (1995). The five love languages: The secret to love that lasts (4th ed.). Chicago:Northfield Publishing.
- Egbert, N., & Polk, D. (2006). Speaking the language of relational maintenance: A validity test of chapman’s (1992) five love languages.Communication Research Reports, 23(1), 19-26. doi:https://doi.org/10.1080/17464090500535822
- Bland, A. M., & McQueen, K. S. (2018). The distribution of Chapman’s love languages in couples: An exploratory cluster analysis. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 7(2), 103-126. doi:https://doi.org/10.1037/cfp0000102
- Bunt, S., & Hazelwood, Z. J. (2017). Walking the walk, talking the talk: Love languages, self‐regulation, and relationship satisfaction. Personal Relationships, 24(2), 280-290. doi:https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12182
- Surijah, E. A., & Sari, K. (2018). Five Love Languages and Personality Factors Revisited. Anima Indonesian Psychological Journal, 33(2), 71-87. https://doi.org/10.24123/aipj.v33i2.1579
- Hughes, J. L., & Camden, A. A. (2020). Using Chapman’s five love languages theory to predict love and relationship satisfaction. Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research, 25(3), 234-244. doi:https://doi.org/10.24839/2325-7342.JN25.3.234
- Pett, R. C., Lozano, P. A., & Varga, S. (2022). Revisiting the languages of love: An empirical test of the validity assumptions underlying chapman’s (2015) five love languages typology. Communication Reports, doi:https://doi.org/10.1080/08934215.2022.2113549
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