"It's not that I don't want to love — it's that I don't know how to"
In an age that prizes instant gratification, love can feel to many of us like a fog we can never quite see through. On one hand, we long to be loved, to find that precious, dreamlike sense of safety in a romance; on the other, when a real chance finally comes along, we feel lost — and sometimes the feeling vanishes altogether. Mid-current, just as you tighten your grip on the other person's hand, you turn your head and realise, out of nowhere: the prince you were infatuated with has turned into a frog.
The term "frog transformation phenomenon" comes from the Japanese "kaeru-gensho," which originally described a frog suddenly turning into a prince — yet today it is used for the complete opposite: when your feelings for someone flip from fondness to aversion, just as a prince might suddenly turn into a frog. In psychology this is known as "the ick" — a sudden emotional reversal that makes you feel a powerful revulsion towards someone you once liked. The frog transformation phenomenon reads almost like a mournful lyric, charting how people swing from the heat of infatuation to the chill of revulsion in a single moment; the heartbreak of a prince becoming a frog has become a recurring motif in the way we talk about modern love.
The Soft Spot in Our Emotions: Are You Going Through This Too?
The frog transformation phenomenon is no accident — it is a natural response within human emotion. Think of a familiar street that has always shown the same unchanging, well-worn face; then one day you walk down it again and suddenly notice that a crack in the stone steps has become unbearably glaring. According to research by Collisson and colleagues (2025), the frog transformation phenomenon may be linked to "disgust sensitivity" — that is, certain behaviours or traits can trigger an instant feeling of revulsion. The research suggests this revulsion may be a mate-selection mechanism, helping us quickly screen out unsuitable partners. For instance, when you notice that some of the other person's behaviours don't align with your values or expectations, your brain responds rapidly, leaving you to lose interest in them.
Have you ever found that a single small gesture or one offhand remark suddenly made someone seem utterly unappealing? This may well be one expression of the frog transformation phenomenon. When you suddenly lose interest in a person, your brain quickly updates its assessment of them, and their appeal drops sharply. This phenomenon takes many forms — it might be one of the other person's habits or way of speaking, or even a thoughtless action. You might, for example, suddenly find yourself put off by the way they eat, how they treat a waiter, or their taste in clothes. These seemingly trivial details turn out to be hidden landmines of the heart, prompting us to throw up a hurried emotional defence.
Unpacking the Causes of the Frog Transformation Phenomenon: The Gap Between Reality and the Fairy Tale
From a psychological standpoint, the frog transformation phenomenon may be tied to our "ideal-partner expectations." According to research by Eastwick and colleagues (2011), when we choose a partner we often hold certain expectations and an idealised image of them. Yet when reality falls short of those expectations, the frog transformation phenomenon can be triggered. You might expect a partner's words and manner to be as gentle as a spring breeze, but a single tactless response can be enough to make you lose all your ardour.
The psychologist Bowlby's attachment theory adds another, deeper layer of interpretation — the attachment patterns we form in childhood profoundly shape our romantic relationships in adulthood. To some degree, the frog transformation phenomenon reflects the workings of an insecure attachment style: when an intimate relationship becomes real, our inner fears and defence mechanisms are set in motion.
Many young people today commonly face the dilemma of "wanting love yet fearing being hurt" — they long for the safety and sense of belonging that intimacy brings, yet they dread the conflict and compromise that any close relationship inevitably involves. This contradictory psychology leads them to choose avoidance just as feelings are about to deepen, preferring to keep things at arm's length rather than cross that uneasy boundary.
How to Overcome the Frog Transformation Phenomenon: Building a Healthy View of Love and Self-Awareness
To overcome the frog transformation phenomenon, you first need to build a healthy view of love. According to research by Eastwick and colleagues (2011), we need to recognise that a real-life partner often differs from the idealised image, and that once we have developed a relationship with a partner, we tend to see them as closer to that ideal image. This difference does not mean the other person is wrong for you; rather, we need to learn to accept and appreciate their imperfections. You could, for example, try to see the other person's flaws as part of their unique charm, instead of immediately treating those flaws as negative traits.
Next, we need to strengthen our self-awareness. When we can recognise our own needs and values more clearly, we are better able to understand and accept a partner's qualities. You could, for instance, come to understand your own needs and expectations in a relationship more deeply through self-reflection and psychotherapy, thereby reducing how often the frog transformation phenomenon occurs.
The Frog Transformation Phenomenon's Impact on Relationships, and How to Respond: Advice for Keeping a Relationship Going
The frog transformation phenomenon can have an enormous impact on a relationship, especially when it leads you to lose interest in your partner. So when you find the frog transformation phenomenon arising towards your partner, you should communicate with them in good time, express how you feel, and try to find a solution. Seeking professional psychotherapy is another effective approach. Psychotherapy can help us better understand our own emotional reactions and find healthier ways of handling these feelings. You could, for example, explore your sense of revulsion towards a partner through psychotherapy and find more effective ways of handling these feelings, thereby reducing the frog transformation phenomenon's impact on your relationship.
If you have experienced the frog transformation phenomenon in a relationship and you would like to find a way through it, our psychotherapy service can help you gain a deeper understanding of your own emotional needs, and provide professional support and guidance. Whether through self-reflection or professional counselling, TreeholeHK can offer you a safe environment to help you build a healthier view of love and greater self-awareness.
References
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic books.
Collisson, B., Saunders, E., & Yin, C. (2025). The ICK: Disgust sensitivity, narcissism, and perfectionism in mate choice thresholds. Personality and Individual Differences, 238, 113086. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2025.113086
Eastwick, P. W., Finkel, E. J., & Eagly, A. H. (2011b). When and why do ideal partner preferences affect the process of initiating and maintaining romantic relationships? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 101(5), 1012–1032. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0024062
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