Getting along with others almost always involves some friction, and if it isn't handled well it can leave cracks in a relationship at any time. Virginia Satir argued that genuinely congruent communication has to hold three things in balance at once: the self, the other person, and the context. We neither suppress ourselves, nor give in to others, nor lose sight of the objective situation around us.
The Iceberg Theory
The Iceberg Theory likens our outward behaviour to the part of an iceberg that shows above the waterline: what we can see is only the tip, while the much larger part hidden below the surface stands for our inner feelings, perceptions, expectations, longings and sense of self. When we communicate with others, we are sometimes completely unaware of what lies beneath our own iceberg, and our emotions stay suppressed for a long time without our even realising it.
Satir – the feelings, expectations and perceptions beneath the iceberg
An everyday example
A daughter works as a freelancer. Her income has long been unstable, and every time she has a meal with her family she feels enormous stress — and today it strikes again….
Mother: "It's good that you've got steady work coming in, but a grown woman like you sitting around at home all day — and you haven't even washed the dishes from the housekeeping money I gave you. Are you going to wash them or not?"
Daughter: "We're about to eat… so, anything new with you lately?"
If the daughter doesn't understand her own iceberg…
In the example, the moment her mother mentions work the daughter dodges the subject. Although she feels angry and hard done by, she keeps her own feelings hidden. After steering away from the topic, mother and daughter seem to be getting along peacefully, yet the knot between them stays untied. Over the long run, the daughter may build up stress from suppressing her emotions for so long. More misunderstandings may also grow between them, the two of them gradually drifting apart until the relationship even becomes distant.
When you're facing an interpersonal conflict, it's worth pausing to ask yourself…
1. Feelings: what are you feeling right now?
2. Expectations: which unmet expectations are giving rise to these feelings?
3. Perceptions: what views and beliefs lie behind those expectations?
In the example, after the daughter's exchange with her mother, the daughter feels 【1. hard done by and resentful】,
and this is because she expected 【2. to receive her family's support and affirmation; she wanted to voice her own thoughts without clashing with her parents】, but she wasn't able to handle it in the way she would have liked.
The perceptions she holds behind this are 【3. that children must be obedient to their parents, that standing up to them counts as being unfilial, and that family ought to support her unconditionally】.
Once the daughter understands her own iceberg, two things might happen…
Scenario one: she expresses her differing view directly to her family
– Connecting with the depths of the other person's iceberg (expressing that she understands her mother's concern)
– Honestly sharing what matters to her (her views on her career choice, her family's support)
– Using non-violent communication (inviting her family to respond)
- The daughter might say: "I know you worry that my work isn't steady and you want me to have a good life… but the thing is, this work makes me really fulfilled and really happy, and that's the part of the job I value most. I value your opinion a lot — could we talk about which bits you're concerned about?"
Scenario two: avoiding conflict without giving in on herself
The daughter knows that expressing herself directly would spark conflict, but out of consideration for family harmony she chooses to respond this way. Once she understands what both sides need, she realises that the differences between them can't necessarily be resolved through communication on the spot, so she adjusts her own expectations, takes responsibility for her own feelings, and no longer feels hard done by or resentful.
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The loneliness within a relationship
Misunderstandings and conflicts with others often trigger a kind of loneliness — the feeling that "nobody understands me". To keep everything "as usual", all we can do is ignore the sense of defeat these interpersonal conflicts bring and shift our attention onto other things. But isn't the very reason you feel so agitated and hard done by precisely that you care?
We don't have to adjust ourselves blindly to accommodate others. Only by really feeling our own feelings, and recognising our needs within a relationship, can we live more lightly and at ease.
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