What is love? Anyone who has clicked into this article is bound to find that question fascinating. The word "love" looks different in different people's eyes — and if none of us really knows what love is, how can we ever hope to find true love? If two partners don't share the same definition of love, how can either give the other the love they long for? For everyone with an interest in psychology, it's worth taking a few minutes to get acquainted with one of the more well-known theories of love in the field.
The Triangular Theory of Love is a theory put forward in 1986 by Professor Robert Sternberg, a psychologist at Yale University in the United States and a past president of the American Psychological Association. In it, Sternberg likens love to a triangle, with each of its three points formed by one of three core elements: intimacy, passion and commitment.
Passion
Let's start by defining these three elements. Passion is easy enough to understand: it is the mutual attraction between two people, the source of the romantic feeling in love. But beyond the sexual attraction we usually think of, Sternberg notes that passion also encompasses a person's other primal desires — for example, dependence, nurturance, dominance, submission and even self-actualization. The chemistry unique to lovers gives rise to this passion element that is unique to love.
Sternberg describes the passion in love as an addictive substance (like caffeine): at first you don't necessarily need it, but once you've tried it you feel an intense pleasure, and then you crave that feeling more and more. After it becomes a habit, we may no longer feel the intense pleasure we did at the start, but we keep chasing the passion — or the caffeine — to ward off the unpleasant reaction that comes when we stop.
Intimacy
Intimacy, meanwhile, is the reason two people in love form a close bond. When a relationship holds enough intimacy, you wish for your partner's happiness, you value them, you lean on them when you need to, and you understand and communicate with each other. Intimacy reflects the emotional investment a person makes in love. Unlike passion, the intimacy element isn't easy to notice. For instance, we readily notice that we are attracted to someone, but we find it hard to spot or define the trust or warmth between partners that intimacy brings. Some married couples, for example, may not be especially affectionate day to day, yet a divorce or a bereavement brings far more negative emotion than expected — precisely because the intimacy element in a relationship is sometimes not obvious. Sternberg suggests we can take a brief separation (a so-called "the little parting that outshines a newlywed reunion"), or change up the routine of daily life (going travelling together, say), and in doing so feel out and take stock of the intimacy we share.
Commitment
The three elements of love matter to different degrees at different stages of a relationship. Passion is the deciding factor in starting a short-term relationship, but commitment is indispensable to a long-term one. Commitment can be divided into short-term and long-term: confirming a romantic relationship with each other in a short-term courtship, say, or making the commitment of marriage in a long-term relationship and spending the rest of your life with your partner. Likewise, we don't easily notice the commitment / responsibility between two people in a relationship — not until our commitment to that relationship is shaken by something else.
Different Types of Love
These three elements can combine into different types of love. Passion alone produces the brief, fervent infatuated love; commitment alone produces the empty love of a marriage of political convenience; and the intimacy element alone produces liking / friendship. Intimacy and commitment together make companionate love; passion and intimacy together make romantic love; and passion and commitment together make fatuous love. Most people's ideal — possessing all three elements — is consummate love. The Triangular Theory of Love also points out that the more closely two people's triangles of expectation for love align, the happier their relationship will be.
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How to Nurture Love
Beyond helping you find the type of love you're looking for, the Triangular Theory of Love also offers a few tips for nurturing a relationship. Sternberg considers passion the hardest of love's three elements to maintain, because passion is the one least subject to conscious control, and the one most likely to fade into habit. He suggests we can identify each person's own needs within the relationship, keep those needs satisfied within it, and then try to meet the needs that have been overlooked. We find it hard to control the passion element in love — many people, for instance, place a lot of weight on there being a "feel" (a spark) between partners, but the reasons something gives you that feel can be all over the map. By contrast, we have more control over the intimacy and commitment elements. How much emotion and responsibility to invest in our partner — these are things we can more readily control. As mentioned above, the way to maintain intimacy is to keep some shifts and changes in the relationship: through travel or by changing up daily routines (developing a new shared interest, for example), we can bring vitality to the relationship and add more intimacy to a love grown flat. Finally, commitment is the most within our control. To maintain a commitment to each other, both sides need to value the place of the relationship in their lives, do their best to put the relationship first, and find as much happiness in the relationship as they can. That said, it's easier said than done: in reality, keeping all three elements present at once — consummate love — is no easy feat. We hope that, by getting to know some of psychology's theories about love, everyone will find their own true love soon!
Reference: Sternberg, R. J., & Sternberg, R. H. (1988). Triangle Of Love. Basic Books.
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