The Grown-Ups Who Refuse to Grow Up

"All this has happened before, and it will all happen again." This is the opening line of dialogue in Walt Disney's 1953 film Peter Pan. What looks like a throwaway remark would, three decades after the film's release, be borne out by psychologists. It is true that real society is not short of people who, like Peter Pan, are wary of the adult world and refuse to grow up. The difference is that these people lack the magic of the silver screen to halt their bodies' physical changes and remain forever in adolescence as Peter Pan does in the story; instead, they have no choice but to drag their fully developed bodies into the responsibilities of young adulthood.

Peter Pan syndrome

The psychologist Dan Kiley first proposed the concept of "Peter Pan syndrome" in his 1983 book The Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up, using it to describe men who refuse to grow up and whose mindset remains stuck in adolescence. Sufferers see the adult world as full of problems, and so they over-idealise and yearn for their adolescence. The traits of this group include a lack of responsibility (irresponsibility), a tendency towards anxiety, and a frequent sense of loneliness, among others. Although these phenomena are more common in men, recent scholars hold that the concept can also be applied to women (University of Granada, 2007).

In the course of providing counselling (Counselling) to those affected, Dan Kiley realised that while "Peter Pan syndrome" would not have a fatal impact on them, it would seriously harm their emotional well-being (Kiley, 1983, p.34). Take marriage as an example: sufferers are rarely willing to shoulder family responsibilities or provide emotional support for their partners (Dalla, Marchetti, Sechrest, & Whitez, 2010), and so most sufferers' marriages are far from happy, which is detrimental to their emotional well-being. Even so, the concept has not yet been recognised by the American Psychiatric Association as a mental disorder, nor has it been included in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Interestingly, this psychological concept still circulates widely, and has even left its mark on popular culture. The Western film star Michael Jackson once said openly, "Deep down I'm Peter Pan," and later named his estate Neverland, after the dreamland in the film. By no coincidence, the local writer Lam Yik-wah likewise reckons that most people have experienced "Peter Pan syndrome," and on this theme created the play No Honest Love at the Workplace.

The causes of "Peter Pan syndrome" are still a matter of debate, but the most mainstream view is that overprotective parenting leaves children unable to develop the skills needed to face the adult world (University of Granada, 2007). Whatever the cause, the clinical psychologist Groh (1988) observed that the overwhelming majority of those who seek help will, involuntarily, look for protection within their interpersonal relationships; the effective way to treat this condition is therefore to encourage sufferers to re-examine and improve how they relate to others. When a sufferer has built up enough self-esteem, and understands that they themselves are the person best able to protect themselves, the course of treatment is largely complete.

The social clock and growing up

As legend has it, the crocodile in the play—the one that swallowed an alarm clock and bit off one of Captain Hook's hands—gives off an alarm-clock-like "tick-tock" every time it appears, so whenever Captain Hook hears the "tick-tock" his face turns pale. A plot point like this can hardly fail to call to mind the psychological concept of the social clock. It was proposed by the social psychologist Bernice Neugarten in 1976, and refers to the way a society's cultural background and social norms impose an invisible pressure on people, driving them to meet particular social expectations by particular ages. For example, Hong Kong students are supposed to enter university at 18 and complete a bachelor's degree at 22, which leads many to agonise over whether to resit the DSE or take a gap year, worrying that doing so would leave them lagging behind their peers. In fact, many scholars agree that whether or not one keeps pace with the social clock has a psychological impact on people: those who can keep up with the social clock mostly feel accepted by society, while those who cannot are apt to feel rejected, which in turn harms their self-esteem (Neugarten, 1979). However, people will inevitably deviate from the social clock (Helson, Mitchell, & Moane, 1984)—an unplanned pregnancy, for instance, has given rise to no small number of young mothers. The writer believes that the social clock is merely a guide for the journey of life; to treat it as gospel—forcing oneself to complete certain life goals before an appointed time—only adds to one's troubles, and is hardly a wise move.

It cannot be denied that growing up brings many social norms and expectations to bear on us, and these can hardly fail to make us tired of growing up at all. But on closer thought, the adult world may not be as frightening as the "Peter Pans" imagine; it has its own particular joys: among them, being financially independent, having the right to vote, and being able to experience the contentment of building a home of one's own. In fact, Groh (1988) found that those who shed "Peter Pan syndrome" through psychotherapy mostly felt happier than before, because they were finally able to shoulder the responsibilities of an adult identity with maturity, and to experience a richer life.

Speaking of the challenges of growing up, one really cannot help quoting this line from the beloved classic The Little Prince: "All grown-ups were once children—although few of them remember it." But may each of us, in growing up, never lose our childlike heart.

Reprinted from the Psychology Society of the Social Sciences Society, HKUSU; the content or title may have been edited. Link to the original: https://www.facebook.com/PsySocSSSHKUSU/posts/2663611197008506?__tn__=K-R

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.

Dalla, R. L., Marchetti, A. M., Sechrest, E. A., & White, J. L. (2010). “All the Men Here Have the Peter Pan Syndrome- They Don’t Want to Grow Up”: Navajo Adolescent Mothers’ Intimate Partner Relationships-A 15-Year Perspective. Violence Against Women, 16(7), 743–763.

Groh, L. S., & Lane, B. (1988). Overcoming the Peter Pan Syndrome: Grieving in Psychotherapy. Journal of Pastoral Care, 42(1), 39-44.

Helson, R., Mitchell, V., & Moane, G. (1984). Personality and patterns of adherence and nonadherence to the social clock. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 46(5), 1079–1096.

Kiley, D. (1983). The Peter Pan syndrome: Men who have never grown up. Dodd Mead.

Neugarten, B. L. (1979). Time, age, and the life cycle. The American Journal of Psychiatry, 136(7), 887–894.

Neugarten, B. L. (1976). Adaptation and the life cycle. The Counseling Psychologist, 6(1), 16–20.

University of Granada. (2007, May 3). Overprotecting parents can lead children to develop ‘Peter Pan Syndrome’. ScienceDaily. Retrieved January 12, 2020 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/05/070501112023.htm