The Six Stages of Healing After a Breakup

"If the tears feel like too many, turn your back and sing a love song…"
Even long after a breakup, it can still feel impossible to let the past go.Whether we were the one to call it off or the one left behind, the heartache a breakup brings cuts deep and is hard to shake.

The "process of change" mapped out by family therapy pioneer Virginia Satir（Virginia Satir）'s process of change gives us a clear map of the inner journey, helping us make sense of the changes within and find our way out of the pain.This process unfolds across six stages. It is not a straight line, and we may swing back and forth between them. Understanding this inner journey allows us to face our emotions more consciously and to transform, step by step.

Satir's process of change model

Stage One: The Status Quo

Before a breakup, a relationship often sits in a state of "false calm". Even when cracks have already appeared, and even when the two sides are no longer on equal footing, we may still choose to maintain the status quo out of sheer habit (Satir, 1991).Beneath this lies a possible fear or unease about breaking away from the status quo, or a lack of confidence about a future without the relationship. As a result, we may fall into unhealthy coping stances — for instance, working hard to please our partner, ignoring our own discontent and suppressing ourselves, all in an attempt to keep the relationship in balance. (If you would like to learn more about these coping stances, you might like to read our article 〈Interpersonal Dynamics Through Satir's Lens: How Five Coping Stances Shape Our Relationships〉.)

Stage Two: Recognising the Need for Change

When we are broken up with, we may at first be unable to accept it. The brain may activate its protective mechanisms — denying or rationalising the rupture in order to soothe and shield ourselves. Slowly, though, we beginto notice the loneliness and unease within, which prompts us to reflect on our inner needs and state. This stage brings us to the realisation that a breakup maybe a single event, yet the inner stateit reflects may have been profoundly shaping us all along — which is why understanding how to change our inner state matters.

Stage Three: Chaos

A breakup forces us to leave a familiar state and step into unknown territory, and so we feel fear, pain and unease. When the other person is the one to end things, we may question our own worth at the loss of their love, sinking into self-denial and self-doubt. Even when we have tried hard to win them back, things may still not turn out as we hoped, leaving us to wonder whether we are simply not good enough, and whether we will ever be able to build a stable relationship in the future. This period is filled with confusion and anxiety; our inner confidence gradually drains away, and we sink into helplessness and loss.

Stage Four: Integration

Gradually, we re-examine our past experiences and integrate what we hold within, slowly learning to accept our own emotions and state, beginning to make peace with ourselves and to embrace the parts of us that are imperfect. As the "Iceberg Theory" suggests, the self is like an iceberg: the behaviour on the surface, and the inner world hidden beneath the waterline. Perhaps, out of a past habit of sacrificing ourselves to accommodate a partner, or out of a fear of burdening those around us after the breakup, we chose to overlook our own heart and needs. The key to the integration stage lies in exploring those inner states beneath the surface — the ones so often overlooked — and trying to clarify how we feel about the breakup, even the feelings behind those feelings, along with the views, expectations and longings we hold deep down about the relationship.

Stage Five: Practice

At this stage, we gradually come to realise that the power to steer our own future actually lies in our own hands. We learn to make behavioural choices for which we take responsibility, turning inner awareness into concrete action. We can draw up specific action plans — for example, building new habits or learning new skills — to help us shift our mindset and the state of our lives, and to rediscover meaning and direction.

A few practical little tools can accompany us as we grow:

• Write a "Relationship Review Report", listing the 3 precious lessons you learned in the relationship
• Make a "Self-Affirmation List", writing down 10 of your strengths to remind yourself of the things about you that deserve appreciation
• Build new habits or learn new skills, such as morning runs, meditation or cooking

Stage Six: The New Status Quo

Having moved through the stages above, we begin to take our true thoughts and feelings seriously, to learn to examine ourselves, and to learn to keep our emotions and outward behaviour, our inner and outer selves, in alignment. Within, we gradually sort through past pain and tangled emotions, reaching a new harmony and balance, transforming into a more mature, more stable self, and opening ourselves to new possibilities ahead.

In Closing: Understanding the Reasons for Change, and the Transformation of the Self

As Satir put it: "We cannot change the events that have already happened, but we can change the impact those events have on us."

As painful as a breakup is, it also gives us a chance to re-examine our inner state. Understanding this six-stage inner journey deeply can help us gradually transform pain into nourishment for growth, recover our inner balance, strengthen our self-awareness, and ultimately move towards a more mature, more harmonious self.

Our course explores Satir's Iceberg Theory. If you would like to learn more, and to learn how to make peace with your own emotions, do consider joining our course "Getting to Know Yourself Through Your Family of Origin: An Introduction to the Satir Family Therapy Model". We will explore the core ideas of the Satir family therapy model, setting out from making sense of our family-of-origin experiences, "meeting" our true selves, and then learning to meet others as our true selves.

References

Satir, V., Banmen, J., Gerber, J., & Gomori, M. (1991). The Satir Model: Family Therapy and Beyond. Palo Alto, CA: Science and Behavior Books.