When a Friendship Starts to Feel Suffocating: Why Even Your Closest Friends Need Some Distance
"Aren't good friends supposed to be able to talk about anything? Why would they need boundaries at all?" This is a question many of us have. Yet psychological research suggests that even the closest of friends need clear boundaries to keep the relationship healthy. According to Petronio's (2002) Communication Privacy Management Theory, each of us has a set of privacy management rules that define the boundaries of our relationships and decide what we are willing to share, and with whom. When these boundaries are respected, the relationship grows steadier; when they are not, the result can be conflict or distance.
Take an example. Suppose a friend often calls you late at night to pour out their relationship troubles. As much as you want to listen and offer comfort, this kind of behaviour eats into your rest, and may even start to feel like a burden. Without a clearly stated boundary, the situation is likely to carry on, until eventually you feel worn down by the friendship. So even with a good friend, you need boundaries in order to look after your own needs.
"For relationship problems, just break up" is a popular internet quip, often used to tease friends who come looking for advice on their love lives (image from the internet)
How to Set a Boundary: Telling a Friend What You Need, Gently but Firmly
Setting a boundary doesn't mean being cold or selfish; it is a form of self-care. When we can express our needs clearly, friendships actually become more genuine and more healthy. For instance, you might say to a friend: "I really treasure our friendship, and I genuinely want to support you, but late at night I need some time to rest. We could agree on a set time to talk, so that I can look after my own needs and also listen to you more wholeheartedly." This way of putting it is both gentle and firm: it conveys your care for the other person while clearly stating your boundary.
Communication Is Key: How to Express Each Other's Boundaries Effectively
Effective communication is the key to setting and maintaining boundaries. According to research by Hall & Davis (2017), clear communication is essential to sustaining long-term relationships in cross-cultural friendships. This means that, while learning to express your own needs in a respectful and understanding way, you should also listen to how the other person feels.
For example, when something a friend does makes you uncomfortable, you can pick an appropriate moment and use "I" statements to express how you feel, such as: "When you do this, I feel a little stressed, because I need some time to deal with my own things." This approach avoids making the other person feel blamed, while still helping them understand what you need.
When a Boundary Is Crossed: How to Respond and Repair the Relationship
Even once a boundary has been set, there is still a chance it will be crossed, intentionally or not. According to Petronio's (2002) theory, because the negotiation between people is complex and operates on many levels, Boundary Turbulence often arises, for instance when the two sides perceive the boundary differently and end up breaking the privacy rules and boundaries they had agreed on. When boundary turbulence occurs, both parties need to renegotiate, in order to mend the relationship between them and keep it healthy.
For example, if after you have stated your boundary your friend still calls you late at night again, you can talk to them calmly the next day: "I understand you needed support at the time, but I hope we can respect each other's time to rest. Could we find a more suitable time to talk?" This approach not only repairs the relationship, but also helps the other person understand your needs better.
Setting Personal Boundaries: The Confident, Assertive Communication Programme
If you find it difficult to set and maintain personal boundaries, our "Setting Personal Boundaries: The Confident, Assertive Communication Programme" can help. The programme combines psychological theory with practical techniques, teaching you how to express your needs in a way that is gentle yet firm, and to build healthy friendships. Through this programme, you will learn how to look after your own needs while still respecting others, and so build steadier, healthier relationships.
References
Gaines Jr., S. O., Marelich, W. D., Bledsoe, K. L., Steers, W. N., Henderson, M. C., Granrose, C. S., … & Page, M. S. (1997). Links between race/ethnicity and cultural values as mediated by racial/ethnic identity and moderated by gender. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 72(6), 1460–1476. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.72.6.1460
Gareis, E., Merkin, R., & Goldman, J. (2011). Intercultural friendship: Linking communication variables and friendship success. Journal of Intercultural Communication Research, 40(2), 153-171.
Petronio, S. (2002). Boundaries of Privacy: Dialectics of Disclosure. State University of New York Press. http://www.jstor.org/stable/jj.18255126
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