Have you ever thought of selfish people as utterly objectionable? But is "selfishness" really worthless?
Psychology tells us that a healthy dose of self-interest is actually a form of self-protection — a vital part of staying inwardly well. Today, let's talk through both sides of "selfishness", the good and the bad!
What is "selfishness"? How does psychology see it?
In Chinese, "selfishness" usually carries a negative connotation: looking after yourself and ignoring everyone else. But from a psychological point of view, "selfishness" can in fact be divided into two kinds:
Healthy Self-interest
This is a form of positive self-care and psychological boundary management. It means knowing how to protect yourself when the moment calls for it and to set your own limits, rather than being easily swayed by other people's emotional pressure or expectations (Spotts-De Lazzer, 2022; Neff, 2003).
Research indicates that an appropriate degree of self-focused behaviour supports psychological resilience and long-term emotional health.
Pathological Selfishness
This is commonly seen among the traits of the narcissistic personality. People who are selfish in this extreme way lack empathy; they pursue personal gain to excess, with no regard for hurting others (Paulhus & Williams, 2002; Kernberg, 1998; American Psychiatric Association, 2013).
Psychologists point out that an appropriate degree of "selfishness" can in fact help us maintain psychological balance and avoid emotional burnout.
Why do we frown on "selfishness"? 4 cultural and psychological reasons
1) Social and cultural pressure
Eastern cultures often champion "altruism" and "sacrifice" while playing down one's own needs, leaving the notion that "selfish = bad" deeply ingrained in society.
2) Low sense of self-worth
When you unconsciously feel that "I don't deserve to be cared for", it becomes easy to suppress your own needs, afraid of being labelled "selfish".
3) Attachment style
Those with an anxious attachment often fear rejection and so over-accommodate and defer to others; those with an avoidant style, on the other hand, tend to amplify their own needs, leading to an excessively selfish, distant way of relating to people (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
4) A lack of any sense of boundaries
Many people dare not say "I need space", or do not even know what they truly need — and so they are pulled passively into over-giving or self-depleting patterns.
The 4 positive values of selfishness: you can actually live more at ease
1) It protects your personal boundaries
Knowing how to say "no" doesn't mean rejecting the other person; it means respecting your own feelings and easing fatigue and anxiety.
2) It nurtures your capacity for self-care
Time and resources are not infinite. A healthy degree of selfishness lets you preserve your energy, so that your company and care for others rest on firmer ground.
3) It raises the quality of your relationships
When you learn to care for yourself, you also see more clearly how to care for others from a place of abundance.
4) It helps you recover your sense of direction
When you are not constantly steered by other people's expectations, you stand a better chance of seeing your own dreams and values.
When "selfishness" goes too far, 4 warning signs may appear
1) Disregarding others' needs to excess
This makes people see you as cold or self-centred.
2) Relationships becoming tense or distant
Boundaries themselves also need warmth and give-and-take.
3) Being too driven by self-interest
This leaves others feeling you only pay attention to people who are useful to you.
4) A shift in how others regard you
You may become someone people no longer want to get close to.
How do you become a "healthy kind of selfish"? 5 practical psychological strategies
1) Notice "what is it that I need?"
Writing down one thing you want, one thing you need, and one thing you don't need each day is the first step towards self-awareness.
2) Learn to decline in a gentle way
For example: "I'm sorry, I can't manage it this time, but thank you so much." Or "My schedule is full at the moment — I can help next time."
3) Practise "small selfishness" scenarios
Start with the things that don't matter so much: pick the film you want to watch, choose the dinner menu, eat what you fancy first.
4) Internalise your self-worth
Through self-talk: "I deserve to be respected", "My time matters too." Sentences like these can strengthen your sense of self-worth.
5) Practise empathy, but without sacrificing yourself
"I understand how you feel, but right now I need…" — this way you can attend to both yourself and the other person.
Selfishness and empathy: how do you find the balance?
Selfishness ≠ outright coldness
A healthy dose of selfishness + empathy = healthy relationships
Selfishness does not mean not caring about the other person; on the contrary, it lets you relate to others more genuinely while keeping yourself whole. This is the "win-win relationship" model that psychology teaches (Neff, 2003; Neff, 2009).
When you feel you are "being too selfish", you can adjust like this:
? Self-examination
"Am I just protecting myself? Or only looking after myself?"
? Revisit your goal
"Is my selfishness in service of helping others better, or of dodging responsibility?"
? Seek out others' perspectives
Ask the people close to you: "Does my behaviour make you feel overlooked?"
This can help you correct selfishness that has gone too far — or not far enough — into a healthy habit.
How does psychotherapy help us be healthily "selfish"?
✅ Strengthening your capacity for self-awareness
Sorting out which needs come from a genuine inner place, and which come from anxiety and avoidance.
✅ Practising in a safe space
Practising firm-but-not-aggressive self-expression within the counselling room.
✅ Becoming aware of inner obstacles
Things like guilt and self-blame are common obstacles to selfishness.
✅ Building long-term support
So that your changes are seen and supported by others.
One line for the you who needs a little "selfishness"
"You have the right to protect yourself, and you deserve to be loved."
Selfishness isn't a bad thing — it's a form of self-care.
May you find a balance that is your own: able to care for yourself, and able to be gentle with others too.
Explore the MindForest App: learn healthy selfishness and become your own guardian
"Selfishness" doesn't equal coldness — it's a necessary form of self-care. Through the MindForest App, you can come to recognise your own needs more clearly, practise setting psychological boundaries, and help loving yourself and caring for others find their balance.
? ForestMind AI: teaches you to build personal boundaries
Each time you find yourself caught in the inner tug-of-war of "Should I refuse, or should I agree?" or "Would doing this be too selfish?", ForestMind AI is like a psychological coach who gets you, offering caring yet practical psychological advice based on your emotional state and your interaction patterns.
It lets you move, little by little, from "there's so much on my mind but I can't get it out" towards "I can express my needs well".
With ForestMind AI you can:
⚠️ Boundary reminders: When you start to waver again, want to please, or feel awkward, the AI reminds you in the moment: "This is actually a boundary you should hold."
?️ Tips for speaking up: Don't know how to broach it? The AI teaches you to use a tone that is gentle yet firm, to make "the things you don't want to do" clear — without bruising the mood, and without selling yourself short.
?♀️ Small action practice: It helps you design "a boundary-setting action you can take right away", so that change can begin from this very moment today.
You don't need to become wildly brave all at once; you only need a little more self-awareness and a little more action. ForestMind AI will be with you — every single time, holding your ground.
Download the MindForest App now and practise alongside us: between loving yourself and caring for others, find the gentle balance that is yours!
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). APA Publishing.
Kernberg, O. F. (1998). Pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder: Theoretical background and diagnostic classification. In E. F. Ronningstam (Ed.), Disorders of narcissism: Diagnostic, clinical, and empirical implications (pp. 29–51). American Psychiatric Association.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. The Guilford Press.
Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
Neff, K., & Vonk, R. (2009). Self-compassion versus global self-esteem. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 4(3), 224–236.
Paulhus, D. L., & Williams, K. M. (2002). The Dark Triad of personality: Narcissism, Machiavellianism, and Psychopathy. Journal of Research in Personality, 36(6), 556–563.
Spotts-De Lazzer, A. (2022, September 15). Setting boundaries: Self-care or selfish? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/meaningfull/202209/setting-boundaries-self-care-or-selfish
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