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Have you ever thought of selfish people as utterly objectionable? But is "selfishness" really worthless? Psychology suggests that a healthy dose of self-interest is actually self-protection — and a v…
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Have you ever thought of selfish people as utterly objectionable? But is "selfishness" really worthless?
Psychology tells us that a healthy dose of self-interest is actually a form of self-protection — a vital part of staying inwardly well. Today, let's talk through both sides of "selfishness", the good and the bad!
In Chinese, "selfishness" usually carries a negative connotation: looking after yourself and ignoring everyone else. But from a psychological point of view, "selfishness" can in fact be divided into two kinds:
This is a form of positive self-care and psychological boundary management. It means knowing how to protect yourself when the moment calls for it and to set your own limits, rather than being easily swayed by other people's emotional pressure or expectations (Spotts-De Lazzer, 2022; Neff, 2003).
Research indicates that an appropriate degree of self-focused behaviour supports psychological resilience and long-term emotional health.
This is commonly seen among the traits of the narcissistic personality. People who are selfish in this extreme way lack empathy; they pursue personal gain to excess, with no regard for hurting others (Paulhus & Williams, 2002; Kernberg, 1998; American Psychiatric Association, 2013).
Psychologists point out that an appropriate degree of "selfishness" can in fact help us maintain psychological balance and avoid emotional burnout.
Eastern cultures often champion "altruism" and "sacrifice" while playing down one's own needs, leaving the notion that "selfish = bad" deeply ingrained in society.
When you unconsciously feel that "I don't deserve to be cared for", it becomes easy to suppress your own needs, afraid of being labelled "selfish".
Those with an anxious attachment often fear rejection and so over-accommodate and defer to others; those with an avoidant style, on the other hand, tend to amplify their own needs, leading to an excessively selfish, distant way of relating to people (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
Many people dare not say "I need space", or do not even know what they truly need — and so they are pulled passively into over-giving or self-depleting patterns.
Knowing how to say "no" doesn't mean rejecting the other person; it means respecting your own feelings and easing fatigue and anxiety.
Time and resources are not infinite. A healthy degree of selfishness lets you preserve your energy, so that your company and care for others rest on firmer ground.
When you learn to care for yourself, you also see more clearly how to care for others from a place of abundance.
When you are not constantly steered by other people's expectations, you stand a better chance of seeing your own dreams and values.
This makes people see you as cold or self-centred.
Boundaries themselves also need warmth and give-and-take.
This leaves others feeling you only pay attention to people who are useful to you.
You may become someone people no longer want to get close to.
Writing down one thing you want, one thing you need, and one thing you don't need each day is the first step towards self-awareness.
For example: "I'm sorry, I can't manage it this time, but thank you so much." Or "My schedule is full at the moment — I can help next time."
Start with the things that don't matter so much: pick the film you want to watch, choose the dinner menu, eat what you fancy first.
Through self-talk: "I deserve to be respected", "My time matters too." Sentences like these can strengthen your sense of self-worth.
"I understand how you feel, but right now I need…" — this way you can attend to both yourself and the other person.
Selfishness ≠ outright coldness
A healthy dose of selfishness + empathy = healthy relationships
Selfishness does not mean not caring about the other person; on the contrary, it lets you relate to others more genuinely while keeping yourself whole. This is the "win-win relationship" model that psychology teaches (Neff, 2003; Neff, 2009).
"Am I just protecting myself? Or only looking after myself?"
"Is my selfishness in service of helping others better, or of dodging responsibility?"
Ask the people close to you: "Does my behaviour make you feel overlooked?"
This can help you correct selfishness that has gone too far — or not far enough — into a healthy habit.
Sorting out which needs come from a genuine inner place, and which come from anxiety and avoidance.
Practising firm-but-not-aggressive self-expression within the counselling room.
Things like guilt and self-blame are common obstacles to selfishness.
So that your changes are seen and supported by others.
"You have the right to protect yourself, and you deserve to be loved."
Selfishness isn't a bad thing — it's a form of self-care.
May you find a balance that is your own: able to care for yourself, and able to be gentle with others too.
"Selfishness" doesn't equal coldness — it's a necessary form of self-care. Through the MindForest App, you can come to recognise your own needs more clearly, practise setting psychological boundaries, and help loving yourself and caring for others find their balance.
Each time you find yourself caught in the inner tug-of-war of "Should I refuse, or should I agree?" or "Would doing this be too selfish?", ForestMind AI is like a psychological coach who gets you, offering caring yet practical psychological advice based on your emotional state and your interaction patterns.
It lets you move, little by little, from "there's so much on my mind but I can't get it out" towards "I can express my needs well".
With ForestMind AI you can:
⚠️ Boundary reminders: When you start to waver again, want to please, or feel awkward, the AI reminds you in the moment: "This is actually a boundary you should hold."
?️ Tips for speaking up: Don't know how to broach it? The AI teaches you to use a tone that is gentle yet firm, to make "the things you don't want to do" clear — without bruising the mood, and without selling yourself short.
?♀️ Small action practice: It helps you design "a boundary-setting action you can take right away", so that change can begin from this very moment today.
You don't need to become wildly brave all at once; you only need a little more self-awareness and a little more action. ForestMind AI will be with you — every single time, holding your ground.
Download the MindForest App now and practise alongside us: between loving yourself and caring for others, find the gentle balance that is yours!
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). APA Publishing.
Kernberg, O. F. (1998). Pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder: Theoretical background and diagnostic classification. In E. F. Ronningstam (Ed.), Disorders of narcissism: Diagnostic, clinical, and empirical implications (pp. 29–51). American Psychiatric Association.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. The Guilford Press.
Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
Neff, K., & Vonk, R. (2009). Self-compassion versus global self-esteem. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 4(3), 224–236.
Paulhus, D. L., & Williams, K. M. (2002). The Dark Triad of personality: Narcissism, Machiavellianism, and Psychopathy. Journal of Research in Personality, 36(6), 556–563.
Spotts-De Lazzer, A. (2022, September 15). Setting boundaries: Self-care or selfish? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/meaningfull/202209/setting-boundaries-self-care-or-selfish
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