Rewriting the Story You Tell Yourself

“I’m worse than everyone else — nobody could ever like me…”; “Even my friends and family have given up on me, and it’s all my fault.” Have you ever had thoughts like these? People are constantly telling themselves stories about who they are, sometimes consciously and sometimes unconsciously. Most of us are not soulless beings who passively absorb whatever life throws at us; we actively author the meaning of our own lives.

In the broadest sense, a narrative is any account, told through language, of certain events or experiences, and a story is one particular genre of narrative. People tend to weave a series of stories about themselves — built on the beliefs they already hold — in order to make sense of the events they have lived through.

Are You Really “Never Going to Be Good Enough”?

Much of the time, the difficulties we run into in life are completely beyond our control. Even so, it is all too easy to blame ourselves and tell a story in which “I am the source of the problem.” Someone who has lived through abuse, for example, may unconsciously develop the thought “I don’t deserve to be loved” — yet the abuse they suffered was never their fault.

Unfortunately, these thoughts, rooted in painful experiences, become the self-stories — or self-narratives — that they keep weaving without realising it. Their behaviour unwittingly “tells” these narratives, quietly shaping every area of life: relationships, work, romance and more.

What Is Narrative Therapy?

Narrative therapy sets out to help people understand and reshape their self-narratives. It treats the person and their problems as separate, invites them to view life’s difficulties in a different light, and so opens the way to positive change.

Three Core Principles:

1. Non-pathologising
2. Non-blaming
3. The person is the expert on solving their own problems, not the therapist (the person as the expert)

Narrative Techniques: 1. Externalising the Problem

See the problem you face as something external — not as an unchangeable part of who you are.

Name the problem and create a sense of separation from it.

• An example: you were bullied during your school years, and ever since you have struggled with your self-esteem. You often believe you are not good enough and will always be overlooked, so you want to change. To begin with, give this problem a name — let’s call it “Gloom.” Whenever you start to put yourself down, try to picture it as “Gloom” at work, rather than as you yourself.

Narrative Techniques: 2. Deconstruction

Deconstruction is a way of breaking a problem down into more concrete, specific details, so you can understand its roots more deeply.

Have a conversation with “Gloom”: ask it why it appears, the situations in which it shows up most readily, and so on.

• Q: In what situations does “Gloom” usually appear?
• A: Whenever I have to make a decision.
• Q: What does it most often say to you?
• A: “Every decision you make is always wrong”; “Nobody will take any notice of you.”
• Q: How does it make you feel?
• A: Low, drained, and full of self-blame.
• Q: When does it go away? 
• A: Whenever I remember the support and encouragement of my friends…

Understand more deeply why you hold this narrative, recognise the needs behind it, and explore and examine your story.

• Recalling the encouragement and acceptance your friends have shown you in the past reminds you that your abilities have, in fact, been valued and affirmed.

Narrative Techniques: 3. Unique Outcomes

Unique outcomes means revisiting the positive, out-of-the-ordinary experiences in your life in order to help rebuild a more positive self-narrative.

Try thinking it through:

• The hold “Gloom” has over you is not, in fact, all that great…
• The work you shared last week drew a lot of support and praise from others.
• Your friends do, in fact, recognise and encourage you…

Spot the unique outcomes in your life that challenge the negative narrative:

1. In a recent work project, your contribution earned your colleagues’ recognition and praise, highlighting your abilities and your worth.
2. Friendships and relationships that leave you feeling appreciated, valued and respected — which contradicts the belief that you are always overlooked.

---

If you have read this far and are starting to wonder what “rewriting your own story” actually involves — narrative therapy is usually led by a professionally trained psychotherapist who, in a safe space, walks alongside you as you take apart your old self-narrative step by step. If you are thinking about starting therapy, you might first take a look at our guide to choosing a clinical psychologist, or learn more about TreeholeHK’s psychotherapy services.

Not quite ready to find a therapist? The MindForest App can help you first make sense of your emotions and notice the recurring self-criticism in your daily life — a first step towards understanding yourself.

Reshape Yourself, Rewrite Your Life Story

Narrative therapy lets you build a new self-narrative, separating yourself from your problems and rewriting your story to bring positive change and better mental health to your life. Narrative therapy is not about positive thinking (positive-thinking); it is a process of reshaping yourself. These techniques help us cope with challenges, give us more confidence and a greater sense of control over our own lives, and let us find more meaning and happiness as we reshape ourselves.

References

Madigan, S. (2011). Narrative therapy. American Psychological Association.

Brown, C., & Augusta-Scott, T. (Eds.). (2007). Narrative therapy: Making meaning, making lives. Sage Publications, Inc.

White, M. (2007). Maps of narrative practice. W W Norton & Co.