Friction and arguments are common between partners, and different couples handle them in different ways: some take the initiative to talk things through, some have furious rows, and some simply give each other the cold shoulder. The cold shoulder may look like a way of avoiding direct confrontation, but in truth this coldness, distance and indifference still wound a partner emotionally and psychologically — which shows it is hardly an ideal solution. In what follows, this article will analyse the causes of cold violence, and the harm it does, through the lens of psychology.
The Causes of Cold Violence
Common forms of cold violence — coldness, distance, indifference and the like — can be classed as passive-aggression. Passive-aggression was once regarded as a mental disorder; although recent research has refuted that view, the behaviour is still anything but healthy. But have you ever wondered why you, or your partner, might resort to it? Psychologists point to two main reasons:
First, cold violence is sometimes the easier option. In a relationship, voicing our discontent directly to the other person is more likely to provoke a defensive reaction; and not everyone is comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings to a partner head-on. What is more, in many settings — a family gathering, a public place — open confrontation makes both sides feel awkward, and may even damage the relationship outright, leaving things beyond repair. By comparison, cold violence does not require us to express our feelings directly or to spark a confrontation, and it seems less likely to make either side too uncomfortable; the cost feels lower. That is why many people use it as an indirect way to signal their displeasure.
Second, cold violence may be a matter of habit and temperament. Some people grow up with parents, teachers and other authority figures who neither encourage nor permit them to express emotions such as anger directly. Others may have had a relationship break down after rows and confrontations with a partner, leaving them with a negative impression of speaking their mind, let alone confronting someone openly. Some people also feel controlled by their partner, or feel they fall short of them — distressed by this, yet unwilling to give in and not daring to challenge the other person's authority head-on. Such experiences leave people unaccustomed or unwilling to express their true feelings honestly and directly, so they turn instead to passive methods — ignoring the other person, deliberately dragging their feet — to convey their displeasure or anger towards a partner.
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The Harm of Cold Violence
First, cold violence not only wounds our other half; over the long run it erodes mutual trust and stifles communication. Withdrawing and treating a partner with indifference may seem to defuse conflict and spare the relationship from harm, but in reality cold violence does nothing to genuinely resolve the problem. Worse, it lets the people who love us be hurt, undeservedly, by our bad habits, leaving them confused and dejected. If these problems pile up day after day, the fear is that one day neither side will be able to bear it any longer, triggering a far bigger blow-up that breaks the relationship apart — a heavy price indeed.
What is more, using cold violence is harmful to children's healthy psychological growth. As noted above, many people who use cold violence do so because of their parents' influence in childhood. After observing how their parents related to each other over a long period, they may come to assume that negative emotions such as anger should be hidden whenever they feel discontent with someone, and that coldness and distance are the healthy, normal and appropriate way to behave. So as they grow up, they too fall into the habit of handling relationships through cold violence — replaying the same tragedy their parents created by relating to each other this way.
Of course, not everyone harmed by cold violence goes on to use it themselves, and cold violence is by no means healthy for a relationship. Still, if we can understand the reasons our other half resorts to cold violence and how they feel, we believe it can help with communication, and so help us move away from cold violence and build a healthier, sweeter relationship.
Reference
Hopwood, C. J., & Back, M. (2018). Interpersonal dynamics in personality and personality disorders. European Journal of Personality, 32(5), 499-524. doi:10.1002/per.2155
Hopwood CJ, Morey LC, Markowitz JC, et al. The construct validity of passive-aggressive personality disorder. Psychiatry. 2009;72(3):256–267. doi:10.1521/psyc.2009.72.3.256
Flint, D, M.A. (2020, March 25). What Causes Passive Aggression? Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/behavior-problems-behavior-solutions/202003/what-causes-passive-aggression
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