Does life ever leave you flat and out of sorts, as if you have been stuck on "low pressure" for the longest time? Whatever stage of life you are at, the hardships and challenges you meet can sometimes truly knock us flat. I am only in my twenties and have not seen all that much of life, yet in recent years I have gradually come to feel its harsher side. At times like these, what we need may simply be a few ways to pull ourselves out from under the heavy gloom. But before I run through three practical ways to lift your positivity, I want to talk first about "toxic positivity".
The Trap of "Toxic Positivity"
Please don't get me wrong — the very last message I want to pass on is "we must stay positive every single moment". That mindset easily curdles into "toxic positivity", and it is one of the main reasons so many people are unwilling to voice the pain inside them. In a society that puts such a premium on positivity, we feel we may only show our sunny, upbeat side, and rarely get the chance to express the negative emotions long buried in our hearts. We are all the more likely to blame ourselves for having negative thoughts — "I shouldn't be hurt by something like this", "you really are too thin-skinned" — locking ourselves into a loop of low spirits and self-reproach. You may well recognise that these thoughts are irrational, and you may know it isn't your fault, but in the face of a flood of emotion all you can do is yield.
I have no profound maxims to offer, nor any spiritual chicken soup you haven't tasted before. If thoughts of toxic positivity are wearing you down, I just want to say to you: "that's been hard". Look after yourself first — if you want to cry, cry out loud; if you want to eat well, head to your favourite restaurant for a proper meal. No one has more right to spoil you than you do. Before we try to put on a smiling face, perhaps we first need to accept the self that can't quite smile yet.
Three Ways to Lift Your Positivity
One: The Happiness Money Can "Buy"
From childhood onwards, we have surely heard more than a few "pearls of wisdom" about money and happiness. Opinions are divided: can money actually buy happiness? Psychological research tells us it can — but perhaps not in the way you imagine. A group of Japanese psychologists ran an experiment in 2010 and 2011 involving some two thousand participants, seeking to understand whether owning material wealth or having a wealth of life experiences brings more, and more lasting, happiness. In the end they found that, in the long run, most respondents felt a rich variety of life experiences brought them more happiness [1]. So, if your finances allow, you might spend a little money and time on all sorts of interest classes, and cut back on material spending. Of course, you could also consider activities that cost nothing — such as volunteering — which can effectively lift your own positivity too [2]. Standing under 1.75 metres and weighing a little over sixty kilograms, I recently took the bold step of trying rugby, and, to my surprise, my interest in the game has only grown.
Two: Connect With More Positive People
Are there people around you who constantly give off negative energy? Perhaps you are close friends, or perhaps you barely know them — either way, the negative energy they radiate may be affecting your mood. You don't have to feel obliged to cut ties or distance yourself from them straight away — after all, everyone has their own reasons for giving off negative energy, and once you have weighed up the situation and your own capacity, caring for them is an admirable thing too. On the other hand, you can try to spend more time with people who spread positivity. In talking with them you can set down the burden of your emotions, and you'll also learn the secret of what keeps them happy. Research has pointed out that your own happiness index is positively correlated with that of your friends (or family) [3]. In other words, the happier the people around you, the happier you'll be.
Three: Encourage Yourself More Often
In another article about building self-confidence, I mentioned the idea of positive self-talk. I bring it up again here because self-confidence and positivity are clearly positively correlated [4]. Positive self-talk is exactly what its name suggests — saying more encouraging things to yourself; for the details, you can refer to the self-confidence article. People who practise positive self-talk more often tend to have a higher sense of self-worth and fewer negative emotions, and it can even improve cardiovascular health [5].
Four: Practise Mindfulness
If we pay close attention to how negative emotions arise, we'll find that part of them comes from our own view of those negative emotions. This may sound a little abstract, so an example might make it clearer. Take the toxic positivity above: because something happens (an offhand remark from a friend), we feel upset (feeling slighted), and then we go on to pass judgement on our own feelings ("I shouldn't feel this bad") and blame ourselves. But in truth, judging our own feelings is neither necessary nor unavoidable — yet for many people this step feels almost like an instinctive reaction. Practising mindfulness can help us understand our painful emotions from a relatively detached, non-judgemental vantage point. Was it what that friend said that left me feeling so wretched? Which part of the conversation, exactly? With observations like these, we become better able to make sense of our own emotions.
References
[1] Howell, R. T., & Hill, G. (2009). The Mediators of Experiential Purchases: Determining the Impact of Psychological Needs Satisfaction and Social Comparison. Journal of Positive Psychology, 4, 511-522. http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/17439760903270993
[2] Jenkinson, C. E., Dickens, A. P., Jones, K., Thompson-Coon, J., Taylor, R. S., Rogers, M., Bambra, C. L., Lang, I., & Richards, S. H. (2013). Is volunteering a public health intervention? A systematic review and meta-analysis of the health and survival of volunteers. BMC public health, 13, 773. https://doi.org/10.1186/1471-2458-13-773
[3] Fowler, J. H., Christakis, N. A. (2008). Dynamic spread of happiness in a large social network: longitudinal analysis over 20 years in the Framingham Heart Study BMJ; 337 :a2338 doi:10.1136/bmj.a2338
[4] Cheng, H., & Furnham, A. (2002). Personality, peer relations, and self-confidence as predictors of happiness and loneliness. Journal of Adolescence, 25(3), 327–339. https://doi.org/10.1006/jado.2002.0475
[5] https://www.healthline.com/health/positive-self-talk#benefits-of-self%E2%80%93talk
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