For many people, Friends with benefits (FWB) is hardly a new term anymore, and the arrangement is widely regarded as one form of casual relationship. As the name suggests, FWB refers to those “friends who benefit one another” — companions whose friendship comes with a sexual relationship. They share a little more passion than ordinary friends, yet carry a little less responsibility than a romantic couple, which is why the idea appeals to plenty of people who are willing to start an FWB arrangement. Others, though, wonder whether a relationship this in-between can really last. It is true that, according to the triangular theory of love, FWB is missing one of love’s essential elements — commitment; without a shared sense of responsibility or a pledge of devotion between the two people, such a relationship is all the more likely to end without a trace. Even so, why do people still choose to begin an FWB relationship?
The Seven Types of FWB
First, let’s look at what characterises this kind of relationship. By analysing the social lives, interactions and mutual expectations of FWB partners, in 2013 the researchers Mongeau et al. grouped Friends with benefits Relationships (FWBR) into seven types:
- True friends: the most typical FWBR, also widely seen as the friendly and “safe” kind of sexual partner. It refers to two people who were good friends to begin with but who also maintain the relationship through occasional sex. Many in society are inclined to picture these two as nothing more than genuine friends, but researchers also believe this perception reflects social desirability bias — that is, respondents tend to give the answers they think fit social norms or public approval in order to maintain a positive image, so the findings are not entirely accurate (Stein et al, 2019).
- Just sex partners: these people rely solely on sexual need to sustain the friendly tie; both sides place the weight on the “benefits” of the relationship rather than on building a friendship.
- Network opportunism: these people sit somewhere between true friends and just sex partners. Most of them share the same social circle and keep only a limited friendship. They are something like a “backup” presence — usually under the influence of alcohol — who satisfy each other’s sexual needs on a night when neither has a sexual partner.
- Successful transition in: this refers to two people who willingly and successfully shift from FWB into a romantic relationship. (See: growth)
- Unintentional transition in: this refers to two people who drift from FWB into a couple without meaning to; they had no intention of becoming a couple when they started, and the romance simply follows the natural course of things.
- Failed transition in: this refers to cases where one or both sides have tried to turn FWB into a romance but, for various reasons, the transition fails; even so, they often go on to keep a sexual relationship afterwards.
- Transition out FWBRs: this refers to a finished romantic relationship that turns into an FWBR, with the two carrying on a sexual relationship under the banner of FWB.
What Mindset Do People Who Choose FWB Actually Have?
The researchers Hughes et al. (2005) identified five major motives behind people’s choice to begin this kind of “friendship”, which include: avoidance, sex, relationship simplicity, emotional connection and wanted FWBR.
A later study found that, whichever of the above types a relationship belongs to, “sex” is the most common motive — proving that most FWBRs rely on “sex” to sustain the relationship; next comes “emotional connection”, which refers to people’s longing to gain a sense of contact or intimacy with another through the relationship (Stein et al., 2019). The researchers explain that this finding may be linked to people’s intrinsic motivation and extrinsic motivation. People who choose “sex” mostly sustain their sex life to achieve immediate gratification — a self-rewarding behaviour driven by intrinsic motivation. “Emotional connection”, on the other hand, mostly applies to “true friends” or to FWBRs that are deliberately transitioning into romance: these people long to gain a more lasting intimacy from their partner, an external bonus reward; as a result they are more likely to develop feelings for an FWB partner, and more likely to “catch feelings”. This shows that different people’s motives can reflect the type of FWBR they prefer, and can also shape how the relationship ultimately unfolds.
How Does Your Attitude Towards Love Shape an FWB Relationship?
The psychologist John Alan Lee (1977) proposed The Color Wheel Model of Love, arguing that love and colour are alike: beyond the three primary colours of red, blue and yellow, mixing different colours can produce a far wider range of shades — much like the different styles of loving. Later, Clyde Hendrick and Susan Hendrick (1986) drew on this theory to compile a Love attitudes scale for studying people’s attitudes towards love. Among them, the “three primary types” of love are Storge, Eros and Ludus.
“Storge”: a love attitude that places greater value on the friendship itself. These people start out as friends and progress in due order, slowly developing feelings, and both sides care more about the process of growing together. They lean less on the “sex” motive when starting an FWBR, so in this type of “friendship” the two place more weight on building the friendship, while the sexual side begins at a later stage.
“Eros”: a more romantic love attitude. These people not only long for a partner to satisfy their sexual desire but also feel intensely about every aspect of being together. They hope an FWBR can turn into a real romance, so if the transition ultimately fails, they will choose to give up the whole friendship.
“Ludus”: a playful love attitude. These people are not keen on building feelings between the two sides and do not want to invest too much time or responsibility; they tend to enjoy the pleasure this kind of relationship brings most of all. Because they can clearly draw the line between “sex” and “responsibility”, they will not pour too much personal emotion into an FWBR to the point of being unable to walk away — which also explains why they find it easier to start and sustain a long-lasting, friendly FWBR.
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In Summary
This article has explored the various characteristics and behavioural motives of FWB mainly from a psychological angle, but a relationship is always far more complicated than any scientific theory or study, and it calls for more choices and communication too. If you are already in an FWBR and hope to keep it going for the long term, you should communicate well with the other person, establish each side’s expectations and set some ground rules, so as to avoid unnecessary misunderstandings and hurt. If you are considering starting an FWBR, you should also weigh up your own capacity and needs, and think about whether you can accept the uncertainty within an FWBR — don’t act on impulse out of a momentary desire. No single kind of relationship suits everyone, but before starting any relationship, we also need to think honestly about what we need, and avoid making decisions we will later regret!
References
Hendrick, C. & Hendrick, S. (1986). A theory and method of love. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 50, 392-402.
Hughes, Mikayla; Morrison, Kelly; Asada, Kelli Jean K. (2005). What’s love got to do with it? Exploring the impact of maintenance rules, love attitudes, and network support on friends with benefits relationships. Western Journal of Communication, 69(1), 49–66. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10570310500034154.
Lee, J. A. (1977). A typology of styles of loving. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 3(2), 173-182. https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.930.5972&rep=rep1&type=pdf
Mongeau, P. A., Knight, K., Williams, J., Eden, J., & Shaw, C. (2013). Identifying and Explicating Variation among Friends with Benefits Relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 50(1), 37–47. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22046972/
Stein, J. B., Mongeau, P., Posteher, K., & Veluscek, A. (2019). Netflix and chill?: Exploring and refining differing motivations in friends with benefits relationships. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 28(3), 317-327. http://jamesbstein.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/Stein-Mongeau-Pohster-and-Veluscek-2019.pdf
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