"I just want to find a partner, but fate has other ideas…" Have you ever run into one streak of bad luck after another in love, the way Mr E did? Perhaps there is someone you have quietly liked for ages, yet the feeling has never been returned. Or maybe you want to tell him/her, "Don't wanna be friends," and move from friendship into something more. But wait a moment — have you ever stopped to ask whether the other person is actually right for you? Is the one you can't let go of/her really suited to being your partner? Is there enough attraction between you to make a relationship work? In this article, let us carry on exploring the Law of Attraction in the psychology of love, getting to know the factors that draw two people together into a couple, and unpacking those "sudden flutters of the heart" we feel in life!
Reciprocity
From a psychological point of view, we tend to like people who like us in return — a two-way exchange of feeling (Gouldner, 1960). According to reciprocity (Reciprocity), when we know that someone appreciates us and feels warmly towards us, we are inclined to repay them in kind (Gouldner, 1960). Backman & Secord (1959) ran a related experiment and found that participants who were given positive appraisals by an experimenter felt more warmly towards that experimenter than participants who received negative appraisals. Even with a stranger, simply knowing that the other person likes us tends to make us return some measure of similar feeling (Aronson & Worchel, 1966). Beyond how the other person treats us, how we think they see us also shapes whether we like him/her. Psychologists hold that the exchange of feeling between two people can only be sustained when both sides perceive their interactions to be equal and mutual (Homans, 1961).
We can understand reciprocity more deeply through Social Exchange Theory (Social Exchange Theory). In a relationship we weigh up what we give against the rewards we receive, hoping to reach an equal exchange — whether material or emotional (Emerson, 1976). If the goodwill we give is returned in kind, that is an equal social exchange. When we are shown goodwill by someone and return it, we expect that they will offer goodwill again in future, and that the exchange will continue. In love, we have needs we want met, and we offer love, care and attention as the "gifts" of that exchange, hoping to reach a mutually beneficial relationship with the other person (Emerson, 1976; Montoya & Insko, 2008). Not every exchange is exactly even, and no relationship is perfectly equal, but as long as a relationship broadly brings benefits both ways — with each person's giving repaid so that everyone's needs are met — there is enough reciprocity for the relationship to carry on, providing satisfaction for both. Of course, everyone's standards differ; some people can love in a Buddha-like way, or give unconditionally, but only on the premise that the person is also in a healthy state of body and mind.
If, however, you are blindly giving in one direction in a relationship, steadily building up resentment and disappointment to the point of wearing your spirit down, then you should think hard about when to walk away. It is like chasing a goddess/god: no matter how often we take them to dinner or give them gifts, all we get is a cold response or no reply at all — is this exhausting, one-sided effort really good for us? Perhaps we genuinely liked them at the start, but what we often cannot let go of later on is the bitterness of having given without anything in return. There is a cognitive bias in economics and psychology called the sunk cost fallacy (Sunk Cost Fallacy), which points out that investments that have already been made yet cannot be recovered often make it hard for people to pull away (Arkes, 1985). In matters of the heart, we expect the other person to return our feelings one day, and so we keep silently giving and waiting, feeling that to withdraw would be "not worth it" or "a shame". But we must set a "stop-loss point" for ourselves: when a relationship only keeps wringing out our heart's blood, our spirit and our time, then we should decisively leave, for the sake of our own health.
When we like someone, it is very easy to engage in psychological projection (Projection), projecting what we believe to be "the other person's strengths" onto them. We may idealise the other person, or romanticise the relationship, and forget to see who the other person really is and what the relationship is truly like. Do we like them, or the version of them in our own mind? Is it genuine liking, or wilful insistence? We need to keep a clear head and think for ourselves about whether this relationship is one-sided giving or mutual, two-way reciprocity. Only an equal exchange of feeling can help a relationship develop further.
Intimacy
Intimacy is also a key factor in building a relationship; once we are familiar with and trust the other person, things can develop further. Self-disclosure (Self-disclosure) is an important part of deepening intimacy — sharing our personal experiences, likes, values and even secrets (Collins and Miller, 1994). When we meet someone, first impressions matter to the building of a relationship (Berscheid & Regan, 2005); for example, we may be drawn to the other person's appearance or manner. To deepen intimacy further, we can express ourselves through self-disclosure and let the other person get to know us. In psychology this is an expression of trust and goodwill, and it helps increase liking. Collins and Miller (1994) point out that whether we self-disclose to another person, or another person self-discloses to us, both can increase the other person's liking for us. Sprecher et al. (2012) later added that the one doing the expressing tends to draw more liking from the other person than the one doing the listening.
Psychologists hold that self-disclosure can increase the other person's familiarity (Familiarity) with us and reduce their uncertainty about us, thereby producing liking (Berscheid & Reis, 1998; Berger & Calabrese, 1975) — just as we mentioned in the previous article. We can also use the Social Exchange Theory mentioned in the earlier sections to understand the workings of self-disclosure. Relevant researchers point out that listening to another person's self-disclosure can be a kind of emotional reward, because it represents a certain degree of trust and affection from the other person towards us, while mutual self-disclosure can foster a kind of emotional exchange, in keeping with reciprocity in a relationship (Altman & Taylor, 1973). Whether a love relationship is still developing or already established, self-disclosure is an important factor in raising the attraction between two people (Derlega et al., 2009). In everyday life, we might also share the little moments of our days with someone we like and voice what is on our mind, so that the two of us grow more familiar with each other.
Of course, self-disclosure also calls for the right attitude and skill. If we share too much of ourselves with the other person all at once, in a rush to close the distance, it can easily make them feel uncomfortable or awkward. So we also need to gauge how familiar the other person is with us and how much they are willing to take in, and to give them room to express their own thoughts, striking a balance in communication. When we listen to the other person's self-disclosure, holding on to empathy (Empathy) is hugely important — trying to see things from their point of view and putting yourself in their shoes. Active listening (Active Listening), such as appropriate body language and asking questions, can let the other person feel that we care. Beyond sharing our own life and interests, if we are familiar enough with the other person, we can also try to express in conversation our own reflections on the relationship. Perhaps we are used to speaking only of "my" affairs, but speaking of "our" affairs can deepen intimacy further, because it shows that we value the relationship. Reaching this step is not easy, but it really can lift a relationship to a higher level, confirming that there is enough trust between the two to show one's inner vulnerability to the other (Josephs, 2020).
There are times when, as we grow more familiar with the other person and see their flaws, we find that we don't like him/her as much as we imagined. Although we may feel disappointed, accepting the other person's true face within the relationship and letting go of the fantasy that meets our own needs is a mark of respect for both them and ourselves. Perhaps we will embrace the other person's flaws and carry on developing the relationship; or perhaps we cannot accept their outlook and choose to slowly draw away. Whatever the outcome, if the other person opened up to us in the first place out of trust, then we too should respect that relationship. Do not hurt the other person over a one-sided "shattering of an illusion" — after all, he/she is also someone who once believed in you.
About Love
Across Parts 1 and 2 on attraction in love, we have come to know the four major elements of attraction: similarity, proximity, reciprocity and intimacy. There is a great deal of research on love, and if you want to understand romantic relationships better, you can look at Dr Robert Sternberg's renowned Triangular Theory of Love. There can be many reasons why we like someone or are drawn to them, and it is not something psychologists can fully explain in a few words. In relationships, we all get lost and we all hold on too tightly. What matters most is still self-compassion (Self-compassion) — holding on to kindly care and acceptance of who we are in the moment, even amid pain. Whatever you cannot let go of today, let it be. People always grow; there is no need to keep blaming yourself. To close, a line of lyrics: "If it is pure love, can there be a right or wrong?"
References
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Josephs, L. (2020, November 15). Why romantic intimacy requires self-disclosure. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/between-the-sheets/202011/why-romantic-intimacy-requires-self-disclosure
Montoya, R. M., & Insko, C. A. (2008). Toward a more complete understanding of the reciprocity of liking effect. European Journal of Social Psychology, 38(3), 477-498.
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