The Psychology of Letting Go

Have you ever been haunted by people and circumstances that didn't go your way? Have you been left with wounds in your heart that simply refuse to heal? Have you tried to forget them, only to find your efforts in vain? From ancient times to today, how to let go of pain has been an important question for countless religions, philosophers and psychologists alike — and it remains a great challenge for countless people in the modern world. But how can we tell when we ought to let go? And when we want to release our pain, what techniques are there? Let's take a look at what psychology has to say about letting go.

When should we let go?

In today's society, persevering without giving up is seen as a virtue — the secret to climbing higher in life and in our careers — while giving up too readily is treated as a failing. Yet letting go is not the same as giving up lightly. After all, life is full of setbacks, and some of these setbacks are, objectively, impossible to overcome; what's gone is gone for good. If we fixate only on the things behind us — the misfortunes, the mistakes, the disappointments, the people who have hurt us — we neither move forward nor spare ourselves the suffering. As the psychologist Daniel Gilbert points out in his book Stumbling on Happiness, people tend to overestimate the real impact that a present misfortune will have on them, which means the future we worry about and cannot let go of often affects us far less than we fear. In such cases, rather than clinging on too tightly, it is better to let go early.

But how can we judge when we ought to let go? Corporate trainer and motivational expert Tony Schwartz suggests we ask ourselves four questions:

1. Trusting your intuition, will this matter succeed or improve?
2. Six months from now, how much will this matter to me?
3. Two years from now, how much will this matter to me?
4. Could I be investing my time and energy in something more interesting and more productive right now?

If the answers to questions 1 and 4 are "yes", or the answers to questions 2 and 3 are "not much", then it's time to let go.

How can we let go?

The human mind already has its own mechanism for responding to emotional injury, so if we want to learn to let go of pain, it helps to first understand how that mechanism works.

The psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described five stages that people pass through when facing grief and adversity:

"Denial" — refusing to acknowledge that the setback has happened, and pretending everything is as usual

"Anger" — railing against fate for what we have suffered, and directing our anger at those around us and at the people we hold responsible

"Bargaining" — hoping to avoid the grief, for instance by promising a higher power that we will change our ways in order to escape the hardship

"Depression" — feeling without hope or drive

"Acceptance" — being able to let go of the pain

As Elisabeth Kübler-Ross herself noted, the order in which these stages occur — and indeed whether they occur at all — varies from person to person, but we can still draw from them some methods to help us let go.

First, understanding the psychological changes that can follow an emotional wound helps us realise that what we are going through is normal. That helps us accept ourselves, which in turn makes it easier to let go further down the line. We can also see from these stages that, after a setback and before we are ready to let go, it generally takes time to process — so there is no need to rush back to normal or to torment ourselves with worry. Everything that disappoints us in the present moment will eventually pass, and trying to force the recovery can backfire. By recognising and understanding each stage of the response to emotional injury, we can assess our own situation more accurately, accept our emotions and reactions, and adjust and support ourselves accordingly as we face the setback — so that we can truly let go of the pain. 

Conclusion

Carl Jung once said: "It is not I who create myself, rather I happen to myself" (“It is not I who create myself, rather I happen to myself”). To walk out of our pain and grow from it, we must learn how to let go in the right way; and to let go, we must not only face ourselves but also understand the psychology of how we react to pain and the effects it has — only then can we make choices that are right for our own minds. Understanding these psychological mechanisms and facing our setbacks and the emotions that come with them objectively will not, by itself, make us let go of our pain; but this knowledge and these techniques point to a path — a path that may lead us out of setback and sorrow, and towards release and growth.