As the saying goes, "comparing yourself to others can be the death of you." In everyday life, comparison is an utterly familiar phenomenon. Whether it is the parent who insists that "the kid next door is always better," or the urge to keep up with the neighbours, those two words — measuring up — are never far from us. Comparison is, in fact, a perfectly normal thing, and it can even sharpen our competitive edge. So why does it sometimes become "the death of us"? One reason is the negative effect that comparison can stir up — jealousy.
Why do people compare?
In 1954, the psychologist Leon Festinger proposed Social Comparison Theory to explain why human beings need to compare. Social Comparison Theory holds that, in the absence of an objective standard, people use others as a yardstick to evaluate themselves. So much in our lives cannot be measured against an objective standard — just as it is hard to put a number on what counts as success. When we lack an objective benchmark, it is only natural to turn to other people's achievements to judge whether we ourselves are successful. You might wonder why we need to compare at all. A measured amount of comparison can push us to improve. And the comparison that defines success is not only about measuring yourself against the crowd; even if you hold your own standard of success — being happy, say — you will still compare yourself to others against that standard, one that cannot be judged objectively. What is more, in the process of comparing, you can come to understand yourself better and pin down where you stand. When you see other people's experiences or achievements, you can also work out for yourself whether those are things you actually want — or whether they are even worth comparing yourself to at all. Having explored why we feel the need to compare, we can return to the first question: why does it sometimes become "the death of us"?
Why do we get jealous?
The idea that comparison can be "the death of you" comes from comparing too much. Beyond the harm of feeling like a failure, too much comparison can also curdle into jealousy. One of the biggest causes of jealousy is a lack of security. When we feel insecure, unsure of where we stand or of our own worth, we are easily swayed by everyone around us, and end up making too many upward comparisons — which leaves us feeling more inferior, and more prone to a sinking sense that our own worth has dropped because of the comparison. This vicious cycle makes envy even easier to set in. Ever since childhood I heard my mother say things like, "So-and-so came top of the whole year again — see, you've got nothing to brag about," or "That kid won a scholarship to study abroad, and you couldn't even if you tried." So I have never been someone with much security; I often felt I wasn't good enough, with a helpless sense in every area of life of "falling short of those above and only just ahead of those below." When I was young I would wonder why, even though I worked harder than others, I could never achieve as much as they did — why could they get so easily the very things I longed for? Jealousy welled up of its own accord, much of it stemming from a shaky sense of self-worth and a one-sided belief that I worked harder than everyone else. As I grew up, I learned how to let go of that feeling — no longer measuring myself by a single standard set by others, and rarely feeling jealous any more.
"Beyond the sky there is more sky; beyond people there are more people"
I rely on that saying to remind myself that comparison has no end. Even though comparison is a perfectly normal thing, and the right amount of it can deepen our self-understanding, we also have to learn which comparisons are meaningful. You can think carefully about what it is you truly want, then pick a few people from that field whom you genuinely admire to compare yourself with, and learn from the very things you admire in them — that is a meaningful comparison, and there is no need for jealousy. And one person can never know all the hardship behind another's life. Perhaps they only shine in public, and behind the scenes they work even harder than you. Perhaps some people are blessed with better starting conditions, perhaps they were born with a silver spoon in their mouth — but fate is fair too, and perhaps you also have many of the things they long for, such as a warm family or a happy childhood. At those moments I would always ask myself: would you be willing to trade lives with them? If not, then stop being jealous. Look closely at what others truly have that is worth learning from, see why they can do what you cannot, and then set about building your own worth. "When three people walk together, there is sure to be one I can learn from; I follow what is good in them, and correct in myself what is not" — that is the deeper meaning of comparison.
References:
Festinger L (1954). “A theory of social comparison processes”. Human Relations. 7 (2): 117–140. doi:10.1177/001872675400700202.
Meyers S (2014). “ 3 Prime Reasons Why People Get Jealous”. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/hk/blog/insight-is-2020/201409/3-prime-reasons-why-people-get-jealous
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