Have you ever been quietly cowed into shrinking back, apologising, or talking yourself into "maybe it really was my fault" — even though no one openly criticised you at all? That sense of being talked round, shamed, or subtly nudged into going along with things is rarely a one-off accident. More often, it is the quiet fingerprint of interpersonal manipulation. The Transactional Analysis that Eric Berne set out in Games People Play is precisely what helps us see those invisible communication traps — and learn to be both warm and firmly ourselves within a relationship.
What is "interpersonal manipulation"? Why is it so formless, yet so powerful?
Interpersonal manipulation is not always overt domination or hostile attack. Very often it hides inside tone, power dynamics or emotional hints — leading you to back down or give way without even noticing. Early research suggests that some people who are skilled at manipulation share certain traits: they are good observers, they keep an emotional distance, and they are goal-oriented (Christie & Geis, 1970), which lets them deftly steer the other person into a pre-set script during an exchange.
The person being manipulated is usually not inherently "weak" — they are simply being carried along by a habitual pattern of communication. Berne called these interactions "games" — on the surface a conversation, but in reality a tug-of-war of power and psychology.
The 3 "Ego States" (Ego States): which role are you playing in the conversation?
Berne's (1964) Transactional Analysis divides interpersonal interaction into three ego states. Catching which one is in play is the key to seeing through manipulation.
1) Parent: a tone that instructs, criticises or protects — the voice of "you ought to do this" or "I'm doing this for your own good".
2) Adult: focused on facts, analysis and problem-solving; calm and rational.
3) Child: emotional, dependent or rebellious; easily slipping into the position of being protected or being blamed.
When facing someone with a forceful presence or authority, many people will unconsciously shift from the "Adult" state back into the "Child" state, and find they can no longer perform as they normally would — which is exactly why someone who is usually impressive can "suddenly fall apart" in front of a particular person.
The 3 common communication plays: have you learnt to read them?
1) The Complementary Transaction — "the conversation flows, but it isn't healthy"
It looks like the conversation is flowing smoothly, but in reality one side is locked into playing Parent (blaming or commanding) while the other automatically plays Child (apologising or backing down). Over time, the relationship settles into a steady state of suppression and dependency. For example: a manager criticises → the subordinate immediately apologises and shoulders all the blame.
2) The Crossed Transaction — "the key to breaking the script"
When the other person pressures you from the Parent state, replying from the Adult state — calm and fact-based — breaks their script and brings the conversation back to a constructive discussion. For example: when a manager is venting their anger, you ask steadily, "Could you tell me which part needs improving?" This catches the other person off guard and forces the exchange to shift towards Adult-to-Adult communication (Stewart & Joines, 2012).
3) The Ulterior Transaction — "words within words, the hardest to guard against"
The surface tone is polite, but there is a sting underneath. The line in a meeting — "Do you really think this proposal is workable?" — may look like a question, but its real aim is to shame you or set a trap. This kind of double-layered message leaves a person uneasy and emotionally pulled along (Berne, 1964).
A 3-step practice: using the "Adult state" to find your way back to yourself
1) First, observe: which ego state am I in?
Ask yourself: "Am I being rational right now (Adult), or am I being triggered into emotion (Child), or am I commanding others (Parent)?" Observing is the first step to stopping an automatic reaction.
2) Switch to speaking in an Adult tone
Practise a response that is "steady, calm and fact-oriented" (Voss & Raz, 2016), putting the focus on the problem rather than the emotion: "I'd like to understand which part needs correcting — how can I help with that?"
3) Bring the focus back to the problem, not the power
When the other person tries to control the situation through shaming or an emotional attack, return to concrete facts or the next step: "I've taken your point on board — so what kind of improvement would you like me to make next?"
Through these three steps, you are not opposing the other person — you are taking charge of the conversation in a more effective, more dignified way.
Letting relationships return to sincerity: from games to genuine exchange
Berne tells us that much of the time we are putting on a performance; the moment we begin to converse Adult-to-Adult, the script of the whole play is rewritten. A healthy relationship is not about who wins and who loses, but about both sides being able to express themselves sincerely and clearly, and to be truly heard.
When you learn to recognise manipulation and practise returning to the Adult state, you will find this: you no longer have to be pulled along, and you can hold your boundaries while still relating to others with warmth and respect.
A journey of practising interpersonal boundaries: from awareness to confidence — MindForest walks with you back to self-leadership
In our relationships, any of us can be manipulated, emotionally held hostage, or overlooked.
Through the MindForest App, you can practise noticing, set boundaries, and become the lead in your own life once again.
1️⃣ The Awareness stage — ForestMind AI helps you see the truth
When you find it hard to say "no" or feel pressured, the AI helps you understand the psychological patterns behind your interactions.
2️⃣ The Release stage — the Insight Journal helps you write down the voice you've been holding back
Writing down the grievances and contradictions is the first step to reclaiming your sense of leadership.
3️⃣ The Growth stage — psychological assessments help you see where your strength comes from
Through self-understanding, you can steady your emotions, strengthen your sense of self-worth, and no longer be swayed by others.
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References
Berne, E. (1964). Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships. Grove Press.
Christie, R., & Geis, F. L. (1970). Studies in Machiavellianism. Academic Press.
Stewart, I., & Joines, V. (2012). TA Today: A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis (2nd ed.). Lifespace Publishing.
Voss, C., & Raz, T. (2016). Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It. Harper Business.
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