How to Talk With Someone Who Wants to Die

Today TreeholeHK is doing something a little different and talking with you about a serious subject: suicide. Giving up one's own life is never an impulsive decision. Suicide may be a single act, but behind it can lie deeply complicated feelings and thoughts. That is why communicating with someone who has suicidal thoughts also takes skill. Today, let our counsellor share with you 5 ways to talk with someone who is having suicidal thoughts.

Be open: suicide is not an act of avoidance

      Many people think suicide is simply an irresponsible act of running away. It is true that when a person's life is weighed down by so much pain, by feeling unaccepted, by despair, the thought of ending it all may take hold. Many people assume that someone who is suicidal is just avoiding their responsibilities — that it is an irresponsible thing to do. In reality, suicidal thoughts arise in a great many people; they can surface in people of all ages and backgrounds.

From this we can see that, when facing someone who is suicidal, please keep an open attitude and do not condemn their thoughts of suicide. Remember: by the time a person has decided to take their own life, they will already have endured a great deal of pain and will feel that no one can help them. Because people with suicidal thoughts are extremely sensitive to the opinions of others, it takes enormous courage for them to confide in anyone. That is all the more reason for us to listen to them with an accepting, open attitude. As the person they have chosen to confide in, we should not focus on teaching them how to view their negative emotions; instead, we should use Active Listening to help them understand their own feelings, so that they can better manage them — and so that they can feel they are no longer fighting alone.

To achieve Active Listening, you can refer to the following example and 2 illustrations:

S: Ugh! The break-up. Since my boyfriend doesn't even care about me, there's no one anywhere who cares about me at all.

      When we hear the case above, we will broadly understand that this is someone with suicidal thoughts who is grieving over a break-up. As a listener, the first thing we do is carry a non-judgemental heart, understanding that she is going through a painful separation. You can use Reflection of feelings — by reflecting back the person's feelings, you help them make sense of their own emotions. At the same time, the listener can give the person a listening space filled with Empathy. The listener can apply this skill by summarising the person's Experience and adding in the Emotions it gives rise to.

L: This recent break-up seems to have left you feeling like you've lost something to lean on, like everything now falls to you alone — and that's so hard to bear.

      We can also draw on the Metaphor technique from counselling to help the person give shape to their Internal Experience, helping them make sense of complicated and conflicting emotions. The listener can describe a vivid image to parallel the person's situation, so that they feel understood and their sense of isolation eases, strengthening an empathetic connection.

L:  After listening to what you've said, it feels to me as if you've fallen into a bottomless pit, with only yourself for company — so very lonely.

      It is true that communicating with someone who has suicidal thoughts is not simple, and you cannot help solve every problem in another person's life. What we can do is let them understand that, although we cannot fully grasp their pain, we are willing to listen and willing to understand — and that they are not alone. That is already enough.

      This organisation offers psychological services and professional counselling support that can help anyone troubled by their emotions, as well as people with suicidal thoughts. If you need support outside our service hours, you can contact the organisations below.

This dedicated section will continue to share more information on psychology and counselling. We hope you will keep following it; if you enjoy it, please like and share. To find out more about counselling, you are welcome to contact TreeholeHK.