Should You Stay Friends With an Ex?

After a breakup, should you stay friends with your ex? "Anyone who has loved has, at some point, had their heart broken." Most of us have been through a breakup at one time or another. Yet when it comes to saying goodbye to someone who has walked a stretch of life alongside us, we often find that letting go is far from easy. At moments like these, should we choose to remain friends with an ex? In this article, we explore the psychology of life after a breakup, and look at why some people hope to stay friends once a relationship ends. If you are going through something similar, how might you think about this kind of relationship?

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Why some people stay friends with an ex

Whether to stay friends with an ex after a breakup is a choice that varies from person to person. Some people choose to keep in touch out of an inner need, practical considerations, social harmony, or other reasons (Griffith et al., 2017). Below, we look at a few common motivations.

1) Security

Why do some people still want to stay friends with an ex after a breakup? One reason is security. Research suggests that, during a relationship, partners often play the roles of protector and carer for one another. When that relationship ends, if you still hope the other person will go on providing this kind of support and companionship, then that need is bound up with a sense of security. A relationship that carries on in this way can feel familiar and reassuring, especially when other stable sources of support are lacking in life; keeping in touch with an ex may be seen as a kind of emotional insurance. Yet this sense of security can also make it harder for you to truly let go of the past, and may even stand in the way of building new relationships. So when we hope to stay friends with an ex, it is worth reflecting on whether that need comes from an inner dependence, or simply from mutual respect and goodwill.

2) Practicality

The second reason is practicality. What we call "love" is, in essence, a close connection between two people. Even after a breakup, that connection may linger — for example, a book once borrowed, possessions bought together that are hard to divide cleanly, or even shared finances and day-to-day responsibilities. These "practical" factors may lead two people to choose to stay on friendly terms after a breakup, simply because it makes handling such matters more convenient. This kind of situation arises not only during dating; in a marriage especially, where co-parenting children or managing other resources is involved, staying on friendly terms becomes all the more necessary. So for some people, choosing to keep up a friendship with an ex is not entirely a matter of feeling, but a practical consideration — a way to settle the real-world matters left over from a shared life.

3) Civility

**Civility** — what does this refer to? For example, perhaps your partner was a classmate at university, or you were colleagues who became a couple in the office. If, after a breakup, you find that staying friends with an ex helps avoid too great an impact on your social circle, then to preserve that harmony you might choose to keep treating each other as friends. This is mainly because you and your ex still move within the same social circle, and it is hard to avoid running into each other in daily life. Pretending to be strangers, by contrast, only adds unnecessary awkwardness and stress. Out of this kind of consideration, choosing to keep up a friendship comes down to reasons of civility.

4) Unresolved romantic desires

The last reason — and for many people the main reason they choose to stay friends with an ex — is unresolved romantic desires.

This can, of course, refer to the satisfaction of sexual needs, but it may also take in a deeper connection of the soul. Even though you and your ex are no longer lovers, you may still long inwardly to satisfy this kind of need for intimacy. So choosing to stay friends — or going a step further and becoming "friends with benefits" or "good friends" who meet up now and then — is one way of prolonging that need.

On the surface this looks like a friendship, but in reality it may stem from a longing for emotional or physical intimacy, a way of keeping some kind of intimate connection alive between the two of you.

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Should you stay friends with an ex? It depends on the situation

Having looked at the various reasons for staying friends with an ex, we can begin to reflect: what is the need behind my own choice to keep in touch? Is this choice good or bad for me? Should we make a clean break, or keep a cordial relationship? Many people, I suspect, would answer: "It depends on the situation." And the answer in the research literature seems to be the same: "It depends on the situation."

Research suggests that staying friends with an ex has both benefits and drawbacks (Bullock et al., 2011). One of the drawbacks is the appearance of jealousy; another is that, when we weigh the satisfaction we get from an ex, we may find it falls far short of the satisfaction other friends bring. This is not hard to understand: because you and your ex once shared an intimate relationship, how could such a relationship be as simple as ordinary friendship? It naturally comes mixed with all sorts of complicated feelings and memories.

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4 questions to help you decide whether to stay in touch with an ex

When we face the question of whether to stay friends with an ex, the most important thing is to face our own heart honestly and to make a considered, carefully thought-through assessment. The following steps can help you make a wiser decision:

1) Assess your own needs and motives

First, ask yourself: why do you want to stay friends with an ex? Does this relationship spring from a genuine emotional need, or from a fear of being alone, an unwillingness to let go, or some other unresolved emotional tie?

For example, if it comes from an unfinished emotional attachment or "unresolved romantic desires", then keeping in touch may only make it harder for you to truly let go of your ex. If it comes from a practical need or a social consideration, then you need to look more closely at whether it can be carried out in a healthy way.

2) Assess your emotional health and boundaries

A healthy friendship needs to be built on a foundation of equality, respect and clear boundaries. Ask yourself:

• Can you accept your ex entering a new relationship without feeling jealous or hurt?
• Can you view this friendship objectively, without still pinning your hopes on rekindling an intimate relationship?

If the answer is no, then keeping your distance from an ex may do more to protect your emotional health.

3) Consider each other's behaviour patterns and history

If you and your ex broke up because of trust issues, repeated hurt, or toxic patterns of interaction between you, then staying in touch may only bring these problems to the surface again. On the other hand, if the two of you can interact maturely and respectfully, then a friendship may be possible — but it still calls for caution.

4) Set clear boundaries and expectations

If you decide to try staying in touch with an ex, then establishing clear boundaries is very important:

• Be clear about how you will relate to each other — for example, avoiding overly emotional topics or behaviour that dwells on old feelings.
• Make sure both sides hold consistent expectations of the friendship, to avoid unnecessary misunderstanding or hurt.

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Download the MindForest App to help you let go of emotional pain

As your feelings grow and develop, MindForest is your companion, helping you make sense of the emotional confusion after a breakup. It offers practical psychological insight to help you decide whether to stay friends with an ex or to let go of the past. Here are the features of MindForest that can support you on the road to emotional recovery:

1) A personalised AI guide to help you make sense of your emotional needs

Have an in-depth conversation with the AI guide to analyse the dynamics between you and your ex, and to help you understand whether you still need to keep the friendship or to let go of the past. The AI guide leads you through emotional reflection and offers practical suggestions to help you navigate the emotional tangles that follow a breakup.

2) An inspiration journal to encourage self-awareness and emotional release

MindForest offers an automated journalling feature that records your emotional ups and downs, shifts in mood and patterns of thought, helping you understand your own dependence on an ex and your emotional needs. This kind of reflection helps you see more clearly the obstacles to letting go of the past, and to move towards a healthier emotional life.

3) Psychology courses to build psychological resilience and the capacity to recover

MindForest offers a range of interactive courses to help you understand how to deal with emotional wounds, build psychological resilience, and learn how to let go of a relationship in a healthy way. These courses will help you develop emotional wisdom, so you can face the emotional challenges a breakup brings with greater maturity.

Download MindForest now to help yourself judge clearly whether to stay friends with an ex, learn to let go of emotional pain, and welcome a new chapter of personal growth!

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References

Bullock, M., Hackathorn, J., Clark, E. M., & Mattingly, B. A. (2011). Can we be (and stay) friends? Remaining friends after dissolution of a romantic relationship. The Journal of social psychology, 151(5), 662-666.

Griffith, R. L., Gillath, O., Zhao, X., & Martinez, R. (2017). Staying friends with ex‐romantic partners: Predictors, reasons, and outcomes. Personal Relationships, 24(3), 550-584.