Drifting apart? Catch their small bids

Drifting apart is rarely about one big thing

Many couples can't say when things started to cool. There was no big fight, and nobody did anything terrible; it's just that when one spoke, the other was on their phone, and when one sighed, the other was busy. Small remark after small remark went unanswered, and over time a little distance grew.

The American psychologist John Gottman has spent many years studying how couples get along. With Janice Driver he had newlywed couples share a dinner in a home-like setting, then talk through a disagreement, and watched the very small moments at dinner: one partner makes a passing remark, asks a question, sighs, reaches out to touch the other, as if saying "notice me". Gottman calls these "bids"; the other partner's answer falls roughly into three kinds: catching it (turning toward), missing it (turning away), and pushing it away (an impatient or barbed reply, turning against).

They found that partners who more often caught each other's small bids were also better at keeping some humour and warmth when they really argued. To be clear, that is an association they observed, not a trial showing this exercise works, and it can't predict how any relationship will turn out. But it's a reminder that a relationship rests not only on the big days, but on many few-second moments every day.

This exercise turns that idea into one small aim. It works for partners, and for family, friends and flatmates too. Before it starts, it asks: are you afraid of this person? If you are, this isn't about learning to answer better; the exercise stops and shows where to get help instead.

Everyone misses bids every day, often just because they're tired or distracted. This exercise keeps no score, judges no one, and never asks you to give way to someone who makes you feel bad; it simply helps you notice a little more.

This exercise isn't couples therapy and doesn't replace professional support. If you argue a lot, go cold on each other, or the relationship is wearing you down, talking it through with a counsellor can help.

If it feels like too much, or you're having thoughts of hurting yourself, please reach out first: The Samaritans Hong Kong (24-hour) 2896 0000Emergency services 999

This exercise draws on psychologist John Gottman's research on couples' everyday life, and on Janice Driver and Gottman's study observing newlyweds over dinner; the steps, questions and examples are our own.

How it works

1. 1First, one question: are you afraid of this person? Then choose who this is about: a partner, family, or a friend or flatmate.
2. 2Yesterday's bids: recall one or two small bids they made yesterday, and write them as they happened.
3. 3How you answered: see whether you caught it, missed it, or pushed it away. No right or wrong, only noticing.
4. 4Watch today: aim to notice three of their bids, and choose the kind you miss most easily.
5. 5Your way in: write a few-seconds answer, like putting your phone down and asking "And then?", and choose when today you're most likely to meet one. Tonight you can come back and mark what you noticed in the card's three spaces.

References

1. Driver, J. L., & Gottman, J. M. (2004). Daily marital interactions and positive affect during marital conflict among newlywed couples. Family Process, 43(3), 301–314.