Experience

The 36 Questions

Three sets of questions, from light to deep, bringing you a little closer.

How much time do you have tonight?Quick12 questions · about 15 minStandard24 questions · about 30 minFullAs in the studyAll 36 · about 45 min

The shorter versions are our own selection. They keep the same gradual deepening.

Your answers stay between you two. Nothing is saved or sent.

What are the 36 questions?

In 1997, psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues asked pairs of strangers to spend about 45 minutes taking turns on 36 questions, arranged in three sets that grow more personal. Pairs who went through the questions reported feeling closer than pairs who spent the same time on small talk.

The key is gradual, mutual self-disclosure: each person opens up a little, the other responds, and the conversation deepens one step at a time. The study measured closeness, not love, and it was run with strangers. Couples and friends play it to rediscover each other.

Based on psychologist Arthur Aron's 1997 study on building closeness.

How to play

1Sit together with one phone. Choose how long you have: 12, 24 or all 36 questions.
2Take turns answering each card. The app tells you who goes first, and you can skip any question.
3Before and after, each of you rates how close you feel. At the end, keep a small keepsake of the evening.

All 36 questions

The wording follows the original study. "Your partner" means whoever you are playing with.

Set 1

1Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
5When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set 2

13If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
14Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
15What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16What do you value most in a friendship?
17What is your most treasured memory?
18What is your most terrible memory?
19If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20What does friendship mean to you?
21What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
24How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set 3

25Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling ..."
26Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share ..."
27If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
29Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
34Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.